Growing up, I couldn’t wait to get out of Utah. So when I finally moved to Italy in my twenties it was new, exciting, and fun. After a while though, I started to become anxious and resentful.
Homesickness sucks. Sometimes even the most adventurous of us, the ones who dare to leave our hometowns or even home country are stricken with it and it’s not a great feeling. I felt isolated and empty, it caused a bizarre fixation of my home (magically everything I hated about Utah became the most appealing thing about it), and eventually, I slipped into a deep depression.
For years I just took my frustration out on everyone around me. Nobody got my jokes, their expectations of me were deeply rooted in their culture and I couldn’t measure up, and dealing with a foreign spouse and his family only added to what I knew: That Italy was the worst and Italians weren’t like my friends back home so there was no point in bothering with anyone. I struggled to wrestle with my conflicting feelings and disappointment. Afterall, I loved the country and had dreamed of living there for years before I finally made the move, so what happened?
According to clinical psychologist Josh Klapow, homesickness isn’t necessarily about home. “Instead, it stems from our instinctive need for love, protection and security — feelings and qualities usually associated with home…When these qualities aren’t present in a new environment, we begin to long for them — and hence home.”
It makes sense that if you’re in a position where you don’t feel these things, you’re going to start yearning for them, even subconsciously. I personally missed being understood and being able to really express myself in my native language. I missed being able to make pop-culture jokes. I missed feeling loved and protected. And without the right tools to cope, I ended up blaming the entire country for how I felt.
So how do you prevent or overcome homesickness?
Chill Out With the Nostalgia
When I was feeling homesick, I’d think back of Utah and say things like, “it was so much easier to make friends back home,” which was totally true. But at the same time, Utah had a shitload of its own faults that caused me to leave in the first place like strip malls, sister wives, zero diversity, bizarre drinking laws, and judgy neighbors for days. If you want to like where you are, you have to stop living in the past and start living in the present. Focus on what you can do in your new home that you couldn’t do in your old one. What’s cool and exciting about your new life? I got really into travel writing and blogging and that gave me something to focus on and look forward to every day. It also gave me an excuse to go out and try new things in my new environment.
Create New Habits That Will Make You Feel At Home
In Salt Lake City, every other day I’d head to a local cafe that I loved and spend hours writing there. In Florence, this was hard to do because at the time there wasn’t a lot of cafe’s set up for this special type of American loitering. Eventually, I found a few spaces where people gathered to work like this and just going there regularly made me feel cozy. I’d also go to the same bar every morning for a cappuccino and got to know the owners and baristas. There’s something about knowing people in my community that made me feel safer.
Make New Friends
Finding your tribe can be one of the fastest ways to alleviate loneliness and isolation. I know it’s easier said than done, but making friends is really just a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find people you connect with. I really struggled with this in Italy because there are so many cultural differences between Americans and Italians. However, after a while, I started to meet Italians who I really connected with and who really “got” me. I also met tons of other bloggers and Americans and before I knew it, Italy started to feel like my second home. But it took a long time because I’m not one to go out and meet tons of new people. I’m an ambivert by nature, meaning I’m about 50/50 an introvert and an extrovert.
Don’t Set Yourself Up For Failure
I don’t know when or how it happened but at some point, I just decided that I was too different or too weird or too cool to connect with anyone else in Italy. That somehow, despite the millions of people in the country, there was no way in hell I could possibly find anyone who really “got” me and I just gave up. I closed up, stopped talking, stopped trying, and self-isolated. Being the grumpy American in the corner definitely didn’t help me make friends and it just turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take my advice and don’t do that. Try to stay positive and just keep reminding yourself that it’s statistically impossible to not meeting SOMEONE you connect with if you meet enough people.
Get Professional Help
If you start to feel yourself slipping into a dark depression or becoming increasingly anxious, seek professional help. Therapy isn’t what it used to be and it’s more flexible now than ever. There are tons of therapists who are willing to do Skype calls or who operate entirely remotely like Talk Space.
Don’t Feel Bad
Feeling homesick is a natural part of being a total badass. You moved away, you left the familiar behind for a new life, new job, new adventure and it’s normal to miss your friends, family, or home city. Don’t be embarrassed, talk about it openly with friends and family, because you have nothing to be ashamed of. Remember, you’re one of the few who dared to leave the comforts of home and with any kind of personal evolution, there will be an adjustment period and moments of difficulty. You’ve got this.
