I was just looking at my website stats today and aside from things like, “zebra sex” and “Italian mother in law good sex” (ew?) and “kill that nanny with a pan” (please, don’t) one of the most common search results that bring people to this blog is: Are Italians Good At Sex? What are Italians like in bed?
I can’t really answer that question. I mean, I haven’t been with all of the Italians in Italy (surprise, surprise). I can give you the rundown based on things I’ve heard from people who have slept with Italian humans or from talking with my friends in general. If you have a personal story to add, please put it in the comments below. My world is obviously small so I’d like to know what everyone else thinks.
1) My personal experience–My Italian Husband: My husband was sickeningly romantic, confident and passionate which totally did it for me. Think, holding my umbrella in the rain, cooking amazing meals for my friends, singing and dancing to old Italian classics. He left poems on my dresser in the morning, he took me on adventures (notice how all of this is in the PAST TENSE. Where’s my fucking romance FRANCESCO!?). He was also kind of creepy and intense, i.e. chasing me through a piazza with a guitar after a fight and whispering sweet/creepy borderline possessive shit like “you’re mine.” That totally weirded me out but in a sexy way because he wasn’t actually possessive and it won over my lady parts all zappity do-dah. Anyway, he has a gross following of European women (ew) who are weirdly obsessed with him so clearly, the romance stuff works for many.
2) Play Nice: Let me start off with saying that it’s ridiculous to put women into categories like, “girlfriend material” and “one-night-stand material” to justify treating people poorly. Humans deserve respect, always, and having sex doesn’t make a person any less of a person. With that being said, in the US I feel like it’s common for guys to put women into these baskets and treat them accordingly. Some American guys might treat a one-night-stand like a prostitute (because they were raised by monkeys, apparently). But, the Italian guys I know still usually lay on the sweet stuff no matter what the end game is. My Italian guy friends, for the most part, are reputed as being uber slutty. However, I’ve yet to see them treat any of their “hookups” poorly. There is usually drinks, a bite to eat, sweet-talk, holding hands, stroking their hair, coffee in the morning, lounging in bed. It’s a process. The downside to this is that American ladies might see the sweet gestures and think, “He’s super into me!” But he totally isn’t. He’s still doing the “wam bam thank you ma’am” but in a slow, romantic, way. “Thanks for lending me your vagina! Let’s take a break, coffee anyone?” So, if you’re in Italy just to sample the men (there’s nothing wrong with that, women’s lib and all that!) at least you know that it will be a full experience.
3) But How’s the Sex: Are Italian Men Good At Sex? All guys are different in every culture so I’m sure there are some Italian guys that suck in bed and some that are great. However, very few cultures in the world do pleasure like the Italians in general and in my personal experience that absolutely transfers into the bedroom. A few of my friends that have “done it” with Italian guys have walked away delirious, whispering, “best sex of my life,” with a stupefied grin stamped on their face. The consensus from women I know is yes, Italian men are gifted in the bedroom department. Why? Well, usually it’s because the guy took his time, was passionate, made her feel amazing and important, etc. Their direct competition is the French, who are also reputable lovers. I do have to add though, that one of my dear friends said that she finds Italian men to be too egocentric for good sex and after the initial hookup they become very self-absorbed. A gay friend of mine said, “every guy is different, just like anywhere, but Italian guys are insanely hot in general.”
4) What About the Women? The same with men, all women in Italy are different so I’m sure some are great and others are not. However, we can talk about what I’ve personally heard. I have one guy friend who has been very “multicultural” in his sex life and he said that his best sexual experience was with an Italian woman because “she was gorgeous, very passionate and fun.” A lot of my friends had the opposite experience and joke around, “It’s impossible to sleep with an Italian woman and if you sleep with her, you have to beat her off with a stick or marry her.” I asked my husband (who is from the south of Italy) and he said that ” a lot of Italian women are desperate to get married and they’re brainwashed to constantly do everything for men, so they don’t seem to enjoy things for themselves.” If that’s true, I’m curious if it has to do with the religiosity of Italy. The church is very, very strong in Italy and with that might be a lot of shame and traditional views of sex and marriage (it’s like that in a lot of countries, let’s be honest). But then again, maybe it’s not true. I have Italian female friends who don’t like relationships and prefer a more casual sex life. I’ve asked a few of my Italian female friends to write articles here because I want to know what they think about this stereotype. American women have the opposite stereotype in Italy. Our stereotype is that all we do is run around with our dresses over our heads having sex with anyone that walks by us. Which has me wondering, what’s with the dichotomy? It sounds a little bit like Italy might be wrestling with the Madonna/Whore complex–women who have sex are whores, women who don’t are the ever-nagging, stalkerish, wife-to-be Madonna. Both stereotypes are lame and seem unfair.
5) Are Italians cheaters? Uhm, Yeah. Statistically, yes, the infidelity rate in Italy is very high for both men and women (but slightly lower for women. Also, don’t flip your shit Italians, I didn’t create your statistics), however, it’s also very high in France and a number of other countries. It tends to be lower in Anglo Saxon/ Celtic cultures, but not by very much so don’t feel too proud, Americans. If you’re worried about getting freak-nasty with someone and them cheating on you, just put a GPS chip in their pocket, it’s totally not crazy at all and they’ll probably be thankful that you’re tracking their every move. Technology fixes all problems. Just kidding. If someone cheats on you, break it off and move on. They weren’t “the one.”
6) How do I make the sex on Italians? I get asked this question a lot from young guys studying abroad, “but how do I date an Italian woman?” I guess the same way you date anyone-consensually. Go somewhere with locals, talk with people, be nice to them, and ask them out. Maybe it will lead to sex and maybe it won’t. That’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m unaware of any secret tactic for getting laid in Italy. Here’s what NOT to do: Don’t just write your number on a pad of paper and drop it in front of them while they are eating at a Mexican restaurant (that was weird). Also, don’t sharpen knives in the Turkish Kabob store while you sing someone’s name (that was scary). Don’t talk about your mother and how she does your laundry (I’m not going to hump a giant man baby), and don’t walk up to anyone in a club and casually rest your privates on their leg while they dance (I hate all of you). Nobody likes that. NOBODY. And, most importantly, don’t be rapey. Treat humans with respect and kindness and that’s more likely than anything else to get you a date and maybe get you laid. There’s also Tinder and Grindr.