I was just looking at my stats and aside from things like, “zebra sex” and “Italian mother in law good sex” and “kill that nanny with a pan” one of the most common search results to bring people to this blog: Are Italians Good At Sex? What are Italians like in bed?
I haven’t been with all of the Italians in Italy to make a scientific assessment, but I do hang out with a lot of them. I can give you the rundown based on things I’ve heard from people who have slept with Italian humans or from talking with my friends in general. If you have a personal story to add, please put it in the comments below. My world is obviously small so I’d like to know what everyone else thinks.
1) My experience: My husband was sickeningly romantic and confident and that totally did it for me. Think, holding my umbrella in the rain, cooking amazing meals for my friends, singing and dancing to old Italian classics. He left poems on my dresser in the morning, he took me on adventures (notice how all of this is in the PAST TENSE. Where’s my fucking romance FRANCESCO!?). He was also kind of creepy and intense, i.e. chasing me through a piazza with a guitar after a fight and telling me sweet/creepy shit like “you’re mine.” That totally weirded me out in a sexy way and it won over my lady parts. Anyway, he has a gross following of European women (who I’ll beat to death one day) who are weirdly obsessed with him so clearly the romance stuff works for many.
2) The categorization of “girlfriend material” and “one-night-stand material” is present but where an American guy might treat a one-night-stand like a prostitute (because they were raised by monkeys, apparently), Italian guys still usually lay on the sweet stuff. My guy friends, for the most part, are reputed as being uber slutty. However, I’ve yet to see them treat any of their “conquests” poorly. There is usually drinks, a bite to eat, sweet-talk, holding hands, stroking their hair, coffee in the morning, lounging in bed. It’s a process. The downside to this is that American ladies might see the sweet gestures and think, “He’s super into me!” But he totally isn’t. He’s still doing the “wam bam thank you ma’am” but in a slow, dramatic, Italian way. “Thanks for lending me your vagina! Let’s take a break, coffee anyone?” So, if you’re in Italy just to sample the men (there’s nothing wrong with that, women’s lib and all that!) at least you know that it will be a full experience, like having a male hooker for free, I guess.
3) Are Italian Men Good At Sex? All guys are different in every culture so I’m sure there are some Italian guys that suck in bed. However, very few cultures in the world do pleasure like the Italians and in my experience that absolutely transfers into the bedroom. A few of my friends that have “done it” with Italian guys have walked away delirious, whispering, “best sex of my life,” with a stupefied grin stamped on their face. The consensus from women I know is yes, Italian men are gifted in the bedroom department. Their reasons are usually similar, the guy took his time, he was passionate, made her feel amazing and important, excellent kissers, soft, sweet, sincere. Their direct competition is the French, who are also reputable lovers. I do have to add though, that one of my dear friends said that she finds Italian men to be too egocentric for good sex and after the initial hookup they become very self absorbed. So, keep that in mind I guess.
4) Italian women? I have one guy friend who has been very “multicultural” in his sex life and he said that his best sexual experience was with an Italian woman. However, he’s the only one that I know who has given the Italian ladies a rave review. The church is very, very strong in Italy and from what I understand the women tend to be a little prudish. Also, if you stick your willy in an Italian woman, supposedly, you have to beat her off with a stick or marry her. This is what I HEAR from guys, I haven’t had sex with any Italian women so how the hell do I know? I’ve asked a few of my Italian female friends to write articles here because I want to know what they think about the whole thing. My husband said that Italian girls are “too weird, too clingy, too desperate to marry and they are brainwashed to constantly try to please the guy so they don’t seem to enjoy things for themselves.” Although, I feel like even in the US women can often get too focused on making sure a man is happy to “keep him” and they’re not demanding enough. So, there’s that. Italian guys, or girls who like girls, what are your thoughts? Give me your experiences below.
5) Are Italians cheaters? Yes. Statistically, yes, the infidelity rate in Italy is very high for both men and women (but slightly lower for women, also, don’t flip your shit Italians, I didn’t create your statistics), however, it’s also very high in France and a number of other countries. It tends to be lower in Anglo Saxon/ Celtic cultures, but not by very much. If you’re worried about getting freak-nasty with someone and them cheating on you, just put a GPS chip in their pocket, it’s totally not crazy at all and they’ll probably be thankful that you’re tracking their every move. Technology fixes all problems.
6) How do I make the sex on Italians? I get asked this question a lot from young guys studying abroad. I guess the same way you make sex with other people. You just pull down your pants and gesture towards your privates until something happens. Just kidding, that’s happened to me twice and I didn’t have sex with them, I ran away screaming, “WEINER! WEINER!” (that did happen). It’s the same as having sex with anyone. Go somewhere with locals, ask them out, be nice to them, and maybe it will lead to sex and maybe it won’t. That’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m unaware of any secret tactic for getting laid in Italy. Chase them with a guitar? Stop being a wuss and just go ask someone out. Here’s what NOT to do, don’t just write your number on a pad of paper and drop it in front of them while they are eating at a Mexican restaurant. Also, don’t sharpen knives in the Turkish Kabob store while you sing someone’s name. Don’t talk about your mother and how she does your laundry, and don’t walk up to anyone in a club and casually rest your privates on their leg while they dance. Nobody likes that. NOBODY.