Dad: So, when are you guys having babies?
Me: When we’re ready.
Dad: You are 32? What else do you need to do?
Me: Be ready.
Dad: You know, when old people have babies, their babies are retarded.
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?
Me: It’s really easy for women to get bladder infections.
F: Yeah, it’s a pretty delicate system you guys have.
Me: It really is! I mean, if you let an unwashed part anywhere near your lady bits you’re totally going to get some kind of death illness. Jesus! Can you imagine how many women died from hoo-haw related illnesses back when men only showered like once every three months? Can you imagine? Like, when guys came back from war probably half of the female population died from bacteria.
F: Uhm, yeah.
Me: Your favorite thing about me is that I make you think of things like this all day long, right?
F: Yes. Exactly. I love that we spend all day discussing the sensitive balance of the vagina.
F: I don’t get your people. Are they angry? Nobody makes eye contact.
Me: Yeah, Americans don’t tend to stare people in the face for long periods of time unless they are going to have sex or beat each other to death. You know you can measure eye contact by culture. African Americans, for example, hold eye contact for the shortest amount of time before it becomes threatening. Interesting, right?
Me: Italians probably hold eye contact for the longest. It’s like they are performing a two-way retinal scan while they speak to you.
Me: Seriously, you’re probably scaring the shit out of people.