Home stories It’s Sunday! Conversations That Shouldn’t Happen But Always Do No. 8

It’s Sunday! Conversations That Shouldn’t Happen But Always Do No. 8

written by M.E. Evans March 30, 2014

1.

Dad: So, when are you guys having babies?

Me: When we’re ready.

Dad: You are 32? What else do you need to do?

Me: Be ready.

Dad: You know, when old people have babies, their babies are retarded.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you?

Dad: What?

 

 

2.

Me: It’s really easy for women to get bladder infections.

F: Yeah, it’s a pretty delicate system you guys have.

Me: It really is! I mean, if you let an unwashed part anywhere near your lady bits you’re totally going to get some kind of death illness. Jesus! Can you imagine how many women died from hoo-haw related illnesses back when men only showered like once every three months? Can you imagine? Like, when guys came back from war probably half of the female population died from bacteria.

F: Uhm, yeah.

Me: Your favorite thing about me is that I make you think of things like this all day long, right?

F: Yes. Exactly. I love that we spend all day discussing the sensitive balance of the vagina.

 

3.

F: I don’t get your people. Are they angry? Nobody makes eye contact.

Me: Yeah, Americans don’t tend to stare people in the face for long periods of time unless they are going to have sex or beat each other to death. You know you can measure eye contact by culture. African Americans, for example, hold eye contact for the shortest amount of time before it becomes threatening. Interesting, right?

F: Yeah.

Me: Italians probably hold eye contact for the longest. It’s like they are performing a two-way retinal scan while they speak to you.

F: Ha.

Me: Seriously, you’re probably scaring the shit out of people.

 

 

 

 

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8 comments

bevchen March 31, 2014 at 7:50 am

That first conversation is scarily similar to one I have with my grandma every single time I go home. Except I’m not 32 and she always manages to get a “I’m never going to get to be a great grandma. I’ll be DEAD before you make me a great grandma” in there. Thanks grandma… wanna guilt trip me some more?

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M.E. Evans March 31, 2014 at 4:16 pm

Oh wow! Way to be subtle, grandma! This is a strange, new thing from my father. He’s usually the, “DON’T LET MEN NEAR YOUR HOO-HAW, EVER” type, and now he’s all, “why are you denying your husband of babies to play with? He’s driving me insane.

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Deanna Herrmann March 31, 2014 at 10:56 am

I loved this! So funny. Tell your dad I had my baby at 35 and he’s perfect. 😉 Also, I was just discussing with my husband this weekend how ugly and awful the “German stare” is. Seriously. It’s like they are all taught how to do it and even the cute little kids do it! Which when they do, it makes them look ugly too! What is this and why all the staring?! 🙂

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M.E. Evans March 31, 2014 at 4:15 pm

Thanks honey. I KNOW! The first thing I learned as a kid was “don’t stare, it’s rude,” yet you’ll see an entire family of various ages staring you down at a restaurant. The odd thing, is they are usually not judging or being rude, they are just watching you with a locked gaze for 5-10-45 minutes. It took me forever to be okay with that (and honestly it still drives me nuts).

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Pippa Pirrip March 31, 2014 at 2:50 pm

Coincidently, as I was ruining what I’m sure HC wanted to be a sexy conversation by talking (perhaps obnoxiously) about my vagina, you popped into my head as the person most likely to enjoy overhearing!

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M.E. Evans March 31, 2014 at 4:09 pm

hahaha! I am drinking coffee right now and I nearly spit it all over my laptop (again, this has happened more than once reading your comments).

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Bonnie Melielo March 31, 2014 at 3:42 pm

Re: eye contact – so very interesting. I think a good part of what makes Italy such a great place to visit is it is so friendly!! People look at you, greet you, smile at you, talk to you! I think Americans are so self-absorbed they really don’t want any intrusion into their oh-so-busy-lives. There are some parts of the countries though, where this is not the case. Take South Jersey for example. I couldn’t get out of the supermarket without having a conversation with 3 complete strangers. Then again the population there is hugely Italian American. Coincidence?

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M.E. Evans March 31, 2014 at 4:08 pm

That’s a really interesting observation, it’s very different from what I normally hear. Americans are very egocentric, it’s something my husband points out a lot when it comes to family, etc. However, the US is known for being “too friendly” by European standards. People actually complain that everyone is “superficially sweet, always asking how your day is and talking with you.” Italians are not famously warm and chatty, in fact, Florence is famous for being housing the coldest, most distant of Italians. However, everyone says the French are mean and I’ve always had a wonderful time in France and have met some incredibly sweet people there.

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