The Reason That I Suck And Have Been Absent For Two Weeks: I Got Married For The Second Time (to the same dude) In Italy, And Then I Came To Thailand.

Obviously the wedding in Italy is going to be a long post about the differences and similarities of my American wedding vs. Italian wedding with an emphasis of me making fun of Italy as usual,  but that will have to wait until I return to Italy next week. Right now I have to tell you guys about Thailand because I just have to. It is a country that basically sums up my life in every way possible (except for the teenage prostitution).

1. I got to hold a mother-fucking monkey. Then it bit me after it licked off all of my rose perfume. This all took place in a lady-boy strip club. Lady-boy means  a dude who became a babe.

2. I recommend that everyone who wants fake boobs to come to Thailand to do it. The lady-boy humans have the nicest boobs I’ve ever seen in my life. I have a video for proof (coming soon).

3. Renting a motorcycle for 24 hours only cost 5 euros. While driving we saw an elephant on the side of the road eating grass. Yep, just eating some grass. I need an elephant.

4. Prostitution is not subtle here. It is not like Vegas where you have to phone a brochure. I have had to get all crazy and possessive in bars and be like, “No way HOE get off my man.” But this was a literal accusation for the first time in my life.

5. I have nicknamed Bangkok “funky town” and cannot stop singing, “won’t you take me to funky town.” Francesco is sick of me whispering it in his ear while he is trying to sleep.

6. There is oyster sauce in everything here and the streets smell like a mix between hot, oyster, and doody.

7. Bangkok has a lot of teenage hookers. Worse, the old creepy dudes who you see trying to romance the sixteen year old girls.

8. Why is this a honeymoon destination?


To be continued….



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