Italian In-Laws: We’re Making A Baby… Since You Guys Are Taking Forever.

Most of you know that Francesco and I have been together for a minute. We’ve been together for six years and married for three years, tomorrow. WOO-HOO! Three years and I haven’t stabbed him, guys, this shit is cake! Totally got this! We’ve spent the past three years of our marriage, like most married couples in the beginning, trying to figure out what the fuck we’re going to do with our lives. He’s an engineer, i’m a writer, artist, professional spazz/idiot and we’ve been trying to find the best place for an engineer and a professional idiot to live, work, play, make babies….

Especially make babies. Enter anxiety, right about now.

I’ve written about this a few times before, about the baby thing, and about how it is GODDAMN TERRIFYING, and there are so many decisions to make! Where to raise babies, where are we the most stable financially, where do we have the most familial support? HOW DO PEOPLE EVER HAVE CHILDREN!? Also, my vagina is still slightly nervous about pushing out a watermelon-sized human, but less nervous than she was a year ago. She’s maturing. I mean, she’s not old, but she’s braver and wiser. Go, Mrs. Hoo-Haw! Now, we’re just waiting for our careers to line up, AND for it to be a solid December so I can make a virgo. Yes, I really just said that, and yes, I know it’s batshit crazy, but I’m a virgo and I love virgos. My sister is a virgo, my brother, my dad, and half of my bridesmaids at my wedding were virgos. So, why wouldn’t I want a virgo baby? An insane little OCD, adorable mushy mess, of opinionated assholeness. Doesn’t it sound cute/terrible?

Bear Lake Utah. Taking a break from real life for a minute. #Utah

A photo posted by Surviving In Italy (@surviving_in_italy) on

In the meantime, everyone in our lives has been weighing in on our lack of baby-making. My eleven year old sister (a virgo) has taken to putting her mouth to my stomach and yelling into it in search of an embryo. My dad keeps telling us that our babies are going to be “retarded,” if we don’t hurry up, because he’s a shithead, and he better hope they are healthy or I’ll choke him. My friends are mostly anti-babies so they’re like, “you sure you want kids? Cause vomit is gross, plus, your hoo-haw, and also, ya know, your hoo-haw. I mean, ouch.”

Francesco’s parents, who love to take the level of weird up a notch, have taken to tutorials.

Last week we Skyped with them, because we always Skype with them, even if we’re staying in their house. We chatted about our nieces who are insanely cute, Oliver, our jobs, and of course, sex. Who doesn’t love to talk about sex with their in-laws?

“Hey guys, how are you doing? What are you doing today?” I asked them.

Francesco’s mom, “Oh, you know, nothing much,” she shrugged. Only her head was visible because she generally hides her body outside of the camera view.

Francesco’s dad leaned forward, a grin slowly spreading across his face. Then he belted out, “WE’RE GOING TO MAKE A BABY! WE’RE TRYING TO MAKE A BAAAAABY! YOU KNOW HOW?”

“Oh, my God,” Francesco shook his head and covered his face with both hands.

“Yes, we know how it works…” I smirked. I take a small pleasure in watching F squirm anytime someone says something “naughty.” The Catholic in him is fierce.

“DO YOU!? Clearly not. Or maybe you’re not doing the thing you need to do!” Francesco’s dad laughed boisterously. His wife shook her head, “no,” and rolled her eyes. Then she stepped out into full view, walked over to him, her floral nightgown trailing behind her due to the wind velocity of her sudden movement, and smacked the back of his arm with a loud, “THAP.”

“But shut up!” She laughed.

“WE DID IT!” He laughed even harder, shaking his bangs free from his perfectly formed, white, hair cloud. The new, wire-like wisps on his forehead twitched as his body heaved.

“Ew,” Francesco and I looked at each other and scrunched up our faces.

“You need to make a baby!” Francesco’s dad added, “We did  it! It’s not that difficult!”

“Okay, great, thanks mom and dad. We have to go…”


This is not the first time we’ve had this conversation over Skype, they’ve asked us to hump more once before. It is the first time that they offered some weird tutorial of the, “look what we did, you can too,” variety. Not at all disturbing. Isn’t it strange how we went from, “you two can’t sleep in a room together until you’re married,” to, “YOU SHOULD HUMP MORE!” Social norms are weird. Parents are weird. Life, well, life is super weird and it seems that it’s only getting weirder. Help, guys.

In the comments below tell me how you came to the decision to make babies, when, how, and whether or not you were coaxed by a family member, friend, or random patron in a restaurant (that’s happened to me, too).

14 thoughts on “Italian In-Laws: We’re Making A Baby… Since You Guys Are Taking Forever.

  1. Well, nobody can really explain what it’s like to wake up one day and there is another human in your house that you’ve never met before… and that little creature will be there more or less consistently for the next 18 (USA) to 40 (Italy) years. I will say this: you’ll find that most of your current fears will turn out to be unfounded. Instead, they’ll be replaced by even worse fears that you never even thought of. I’m kidding (sort of). But for me personally, the only regret that I have about becoming a parent is that I wish it could have happened sooner. Then again, my little principessa was well worth the wait, so I guess fate can’t be wrong.

  2. Having been married for nearly 10 years and having not yet spawned, everyone has a bloody opinion. I got asked about when we were having babies at our wedding reception and it’s not stopped since. Interest in our sex life is just weird, nope don’t want to discuss it at all thanks!

  3. I knew i wanted a child ever since i was 14 i think. was not planning my perfect wedding, was not looking for a prince, but wanted to be a mother. I just knew it. No doubt in my mind. Strange, i know. thankfully i met my future husband when i was 15. my mom begged me to finish school before i run off to adult life, which i did. so we got married when i turned 18. i was pregnant 5 month later. took my daughter with me to university lectures and exams. my regret was that i got weighted down by routines and did not make more babies right after that!! )) 20 years later – she’s still the center of my universe. my husband (same dude, surprisingly) is distant second on my priority list ))

  4. HA!… Gotta love those Italian in-laws. Having kids in Italy was a challenge but after having 3, I know I did the right thing having them here instead of back home. (Texas) I mean…. I ain’t getting no stinkin’ $50k bill for birthing them! If you’d like to know more, just let me know.

  5. I used to get annoyed by family members’ questions about when we would have kids, but after 8 years together, we had one, and when I saw how the grandparents truly loved my son, I understood that they were asking because it was just something they were really looking forward to. It became sweet and understandable instead of annoying. I had two kids and even though I was nervous, not a baby person, etc., it’s been awesome.

    And hey, with the high chances nowadays of having a c-section (I’m not condoning that; it’s just the truth), the fears about the hoo-haw are often unfounded (as are the stereotypes that you’ll be fat, have saggy boobs, etc.–the body is so resilient!).😀

  6. There is no perfect moment to have a baby. There will always be challenges but I would not to go for it simply BC others want you to. You will be the one doing all the work. Your in laws are so funny!

  7. It’s actually my MIL that are putting me off having kids for a long while! I already have to put up with so much attitude about how we aren’t doing things her ways, and I’ve heard from so many that it only gets worse when grandkids are in the mix. I’m already a nervous wreck because of her … I don’t need more of it! Gotta love European in-laws!!

  8. Having my babies was the best decision ever! I have two boys aged 3&4; neither are virgos, though I’m a Virgo. Go me! Their dad is a dipshit, didn’t pick the best apple for this tree, and yes I did it with him twice so I’m a bit of a dipshit too (I guess?). He at least tries, let’s clarify that. So …. It wasn’t about money (I’m so poor, haha!) or the right person (dipshit) or the right time (had just opened my own business), it’s about instincts. Maternal instincts, biological clock, all that jazz – it’s a thing. I just wanted a baby and so I didn’t use any protection. *its about to get real up in here* By 28 I had aborted a few fetuses/babies and was feeling a sense of loss and regret. I love kids, always have, and for some reason or another let other people talk me out of having them earlier. “You’re in school, you just started at the law office, your hoo haw” blah blah etc. After my first, I realized I should have done it years ago! But I’m different, they don’t cramp my social life because I don’t even like people. They don’t cramp my style, because my style has always been lip gloss and jeans. They don’t cramp my wallet because I don’t buy a trillion toys and crap like that, they eat what I eat I don’t cater to frills and picky eaters. The only reason I stopped at 2 is because I’m still married to Mr DipShit and don’t want another with him as a daddy (oh and also I’ve been waiting to get out of Carseat,diaper, pack n play stage so we can travel to Italy – planning this summer!). So I say to you, funny American lady living my dream, listen to your insides. Do not listen to your inlaws, your friends, even your husband. Do what feels right. You will love being pregnant, even if your sick [especially if you’re sick] everyone will cater to you. Your hoo haw should not even be considered in this decision, the bladder will feel the aftermath of
    Babies far worse than any other body part. Regarding money and jobs and stability, you will probably always have a reason to be worried and if you let that stop you then you will never spend the magical moments reading to your kids at night, snuggling in bed before church, pinching them on the wrist when they won’t leave the hassock alone at church, wiping the pee off the seat in the church ladies room because they can’t quite aim straight yet; oh and everything else that is the joy of seeing yourself inside another human being. Miraculous, girl, truly life changing and a very adventurous ride!

  9. There is no “perfect” time, there is no “we are ready now”, there just is…love for each other and the child(ren) you may or may not be blessed with. I can’t even imagine what life would be like with just us two and not our beautiful daughters, fabulous son-in-laws and precious grandchildren (3). I feel so sad for friends who desperately wanted kids and couldn’t have any. Family makes the world go around. If you and Francesco want to have a child, then put the birth control in the drawer and see what happens!!

  10. The moment I thought ‘fuck it what the hell’, I magically got pregnant after five years of marriage and not really wanting kids, eventhough I love other peoples kids I never thought of having my own (and yes my in laws thought I was sterile). But you know what it’s been awesome, cos it’s all about love. Those little rugrats are like 100% adrenalin lurve, it literally can make your heart burst and then you think why didn’t I do this sooner. And you know your kids can vomit all over you and you really don’t give a shit, that’s how crazy the level of love is. So if you manage it, it will be your greatest creative acomplishment as there is a lot of making it up as you go along 😉

  11. Oh god, awkward! I’m glad Jan’s family leave us alone when it comes to babies. It’s my family that are annoying – and even they never say anything to Jan. I get the guilt trip fromm my grandma: I’ll be dead before you make me a great grandma!” Last time I told her it takes two – that shut her up! Everyone just assumes it’s ME standing in the way of us having babies, when I would have had one 3 year ago given the chance! We’re starting to try soon and I’m NOT telling any family members!

  12. There is bad / less than good timing for babies, but never a perfect time. We were financially secure with careers on track, so that helped a lot but even so, its daunting. But, once we got started trying it was like we were taking on a project together which felt really awesome as a couple. Like any overeducated overachievers would, we researched the hell out of it and did all the things to optimize getting pregnant, etc. Then once pregnant it was a whole other experience that was incredibly bizarre but also awesome. Then the babies and all that goes with them… life changing in all the best ways, I believe. I never knew I could love someone as much as I do my two kiddos. And, you won’t really ever understand just how much your parents love you until you are one and then you say… really, mom/dad. you love me *that* much??? Its incredible. Good luck to you two, Misty !!!

  13. I had 6 kids and never planned any of them. My last one , I was 37, now that was a real surprise since the man I was married to at the time wasn’t supposed to be able to have anymore kids. However I started very young, to young.

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