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Conversations That Seem Normal But Probably Aren’t

written by M.E. Evans February 17, 2014

A week before valentines day F and I were having coffee when he turned to me and said:

F: I don’t want to do anything for valentine’s day this year. It’s stupid.

Me: That’s pretty romantic.

F: Well it’s stupid.

Me: I know. It IS a fake holiday. That’s pretty true. However, it’s also a nice reminder.

F: Of?

Me: That you have to do stuff sometimes. You know, a woman’s vagina puts the same amount of effort into their relationship as their partners do. It’s an excellent reminder that you have to do things once in a while to keep my vagina engaged in our marriage.

F: Right. Noted.

Me: But I totally agree that valentine’s day is stupid. Wait, what’s that vagina? My vagina just told me that she doesn’t want to do anything for v-day either. It’s amazing that you’re both on the same page. Everyone wins!

F: Could we just have one normal conversation?

Me: Are you talking to me or my vagina?

F: Sigh.


Most of you know that right now we’re moving between Italy and the US (you can watch my American life on DirtyFilthyThings, warning, it’s more sweary and graphic) because I’m working on a book etc. We’re looking for a temporary house to rent in Arizona and F found one with a garden and chickens. Built in chickens. Which reminds him of his childhood and murdering chickens with his grandma who I’m pretty sure was a witch.

F: Dis has CHICKENS!

Me: Cool. I’m not living there.

F: WHAT!? WHY!? I make the garden and have the chickens!

Me: I don’t trust you around farm animals. I’ll get attached to them and then I’ll worry constantly that you’ll eat them.

F: How will you get attached to chickens?

Me: Because I’ll name them and then build them a pool because AZ is hot and pretty soon they’ll have a convertible and I’ll be like GO PAULA ABDUL GO!

F: What the fuck does this have to do with Paula Abdul the singer?

Me: Paula Abdul is the name of the two chickens. Paula & Abdul. Paula Abdul. They will be divas. I shall love them.

F: Why does everything have to be WEIRD? Can’t we just have chickens like normal people?

Me: Yeah, because normal people own chickens and normal people force their five year old grandchildren to murder them. That’s why normal people are so well adjusted and marry people like me.

F: Good point.

Me: So, about Paula Abdul, I feel like they’ll need a guardian or something…



My husband yells at me a lot for being “annoying” with customer service people. I argue that people sitting at a computer all day dealing with angry customers are probably BORED and they probably just want to just hang out and talk about unicorns. So I’m helping to increase their quality of life because I’m NOT AN ASSHOLE, FRANCESCO.

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