1. In America it is true that your parents do not love you and they throw you out of the house at 18? Yes. That’s mostly true. In fact, many American parents throw their kids out even earlier than that. My mom actually gave birth wearing cross trainers so she could sprint away from me as soon as I came out. Most moms in the US do that. If you can hold on to her leg tight enough then they take you home with them until you’re eighteen where they throw you out again. In all seriousness, yes, our kids usually leave at 18 years old or twenty-two if they go to college. Why? Our culture is more independent and it is considered bad for children to not try to secure their independence because if they don’t learn how to do it they won’t be successful. Many Americans are obsessed with success. I’m pretty sure my parents wanted me to move out so I could learn how to be competitive but also because they probably wanted to party. PAAARTAAAAY!
2. But you’re American? You’re not fat! That’t true. While the US is sadly the home of excess I was lucky enough to get the skinny gene from my mom who I think came from a long line of tree nymphs. Also I work out a lot. And was vegan for like 15 years. Also I didn’t learn how to eat because my mom threw me out at eighteen.
3. All of your country loves war, really? Uhm, I want to say no but the truth is that we kind of do. I am personally not into
war because if you think about it it’s ridiculous. “I get my men, you get yours, and the one with the least dead wins!” A monkey sport, if you ask me. If I was leader we would have a jump rope contest or a dance off. I think that the world has progressed to a point where we can do without war. Also, Rome was kind of the warlord of the universe for like ever. Which actually makes me wonder how the Romans turned into Italians who totally suck at winning wars (for the Italians who are going to try to inject a history lesson here, I’ll go ahead and do it myself: Italians suck at war because the country unified only recently and nationalism was at an all time high under fascism is still low, really. Because Italians didn’t understand the idea of fighting for “country.” They still identified with their regions more than the country as a whole. Also, they missed their mom’s raviolis. I would leave the trenches too if I was running distance to my
mom’s pasta). Oh, but I digress. So, while I’m not into war and the US empire crap I really like war movies. I also like war history. My father who is not American says that we have warrior genes. So, probably during the zombie apocalypse I would be all warrior princess and awesome and all for it and like “war! fuck yes!” but that’s probably because my parents didn’t love me.
4. Americans are violent yes? You have the mafia, yes? I’m pretty sure that every country has the Chinese mafia and the Italian mafia. But the mafia is not what makes the US violent, actually. While in Italy there are groups of violent people (like the mafia in Napoli etc) the general Italian public is not that violent. In the US I’m afraid to yell at a child because it might come back with a saw and take my head off. That is true. Some would argue that economic stratification is the culprit. I think it’s because we’re obsessed with war and our mom’s kicked us out of her womb and then the house.
5. Your food is all gross, yes? Mostly. Our food tastes like plastic and chemical because we have a corporatism and corporations want to make money and don’t care if they poison the general population. However, this exists in most countries in one form or another (like how Berlusconi poisons minds with his shitty TV stations). Locally grown, good food is available in most states but you’ll have to pay for it. A lot of people pay with the babies they don’t want. Also, distance is a problem as food is transported from far away which means it has to be picked before it’s fully ripe. Why? Because we’re spoiled and we need everything year round. I don’t know. I have no answers for this.
6. Americans are all rich, right? Uhm, no. I wish that were the case because I could buy a lot of McNuggets with the extra money but the truth is that there are a lot of homeless people in the US and a lot of single parents who struggle to raise children and feed and clothe them. It is a meritocracy which means that if you don’t have merit you get fucked in your tocracy. The original idea was that hard work would pay off and for a long time it did. However, as things have changed one can’t work their way up in a company anymore without education. Education costs a fortune (like $50,000 at a community college or up to $250,000 ivy league) which kind of impairs many people’s ability to improve their situation. There are billions of factors involved in this and I’m already out of breathe so let’s just say that no, we’re not all rich. However, some people are incredibly rich and many people are well-off and many, many people are living in poverty and practically dying in the streets.
7. Americans love McDonalds huh? Mostly. I mean, the company is so successful that I think it shows that a lot of Americans really liked it at one time. I know entire generations of people who were raised on Happy Meals (thanks mom!). A lot of people love fast food (hence the obesity rates) but there is a small group who like quality food and who don’t eat McDonalds. Those people eat Burger King instead.
8. You don’t look American. You were born there? For some reason people expect me to look Swedish. “Where is your blonde hair and pale skin!?” We only look Swedish if we have Swedish DNA. This clearly shows that American TV and Movies do a crappy job of representing the US. There is no such thing as “looking” American. Our country is an immigrant country. My father is American but he was born in Iran. My mother’s family is from Wales. My step-mother’s family is from Germany. My best friend’s mom is mexican but her dad is czech. Which leads me to the next question.
9. Why do Americans always say they are “half” Italian? Well, this is really difficult for a lot of people who are not from an immigrant country to understand. Canadians, Australians, Americans all have a strange culture in the sense that we are all raised differently. Some people say that Americans don’t have “culture” but it’s not true (DAD!) it’s that we all have so many backgrounds that all of our families do things a little bit differently as people have held on to their “homeland” for many generations. My friends who have Italian blood might be American in nationality but they gesture wildly with their hands, they eat lasagne on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and some of them even speak Italian, and were raised with Italian culture injected into them. They were raised in America by parents who still wanted to instill their native traditions. My father is Persian. While I was raised in the US it is easy to see the Persian influence in our family and in each of us individually (a very traditional father with very conservative views and insanely strong family values). Our family differs from other families who once immigrated from Germany or France or wherever. I have expat friends who raised their children in Italy for their entire lives, yet, it is easy to see the American influence in the kids. They are “Italian” but with some American mannerisms, ways of thinking, and some culture. So, when someone says they are “half Italian” they are either idiots from south Jersey who think that it makes them look cool (Snookie, ahem) or they have Italian blood and were raised with a mix of American and Italian culture.
10. You don’t have things like the Dumo in America do you!? DO YOU!? No. No we don’t. I don’t know why the world stopped building awesome things and I don’t know why we don’t build cool stuff in the US. It’s lame. That’s why we all come to Italy and bother ya’ll.
11. You don’t have health insurance!? Depends. Some do but some people are dying because they don’t. This is complicated. I should be drunk for this. Deep breathe. So, Italians pay health insurance to the state through their jobs and every resident gets it. This is awesome because everyone gets healthcare (it is problematic because a lot of people are not working and are not helping to pay for state healthcare costs). In the US you get insurance through a private company. The problem is that the companies can CHOOSE to not let you buy it. If you are sick, or you’ve had problems in the past, they can tell you NO. Which means you can’t go to the doctor. Also, if you lose your job, no health insurance. If you’re in college, no health insurance, etc. Without health insurance you’ll just basically die if something happens to you or worse the hospital will treat you and then charge you 3 million dollars. Or they just take your kids away and sell them.
- Danes mock Berlusconi with ‘immunity’ juice (thelocal.it)
- Italian mafia fed man alive to pigs, police say (thestar.com)
- Pope Francis ‘may be at risk from Italian mafia’ (telegraph.co.uk)
- An Italian Thanksgiving (bellacasta.wordpress.com)
- 21 Things You Should Know Before Moving To Italy (Or visiting Italy) (survivinginitaly.com)