Dear Francesco (My “Italian Stallion” (seriously, who says that in all seriousness?) Husband).
I cannot believe we’ve been married for one year. That shit just flew by and it has me thinking that you’ll be in a diaper soon enough. I’ll take care of you and hire someone to give you a sponge bath and all of that because that’s the kind of wife that I am.
I’m so happy that I was drunk that night that we met and that I picked you out of the crowd. Despite the fact that you are SO ANNOYING ALL THE TIME you are my best friend and I’m so happy that you asked me to marry you. It was the best decision I ever made. Okay, it’s one of the two best decisions. The OTHER good decision I just made like five minutes ago when I found a circus fitness class online and signed up! I am going to be the first drunk aerial gymnast and you’re going to be so proud!
For your “paper” gift I made a list of things that I’ll do to be a better wife this coming year:
15 Ways I’ll Try To Be A Better Wife To You
1. I will talk about Oliver less. I know it’s annoying that when I’m bored and I have nothing to say I tell a funny story about Oliver that you’ve already heard 3,000 times.
2. I will shower every day. Mostly.
3. This kind of goes with number 2, but I’ll also try to change out of my sweat pants before you come home from work.
4. I will try to sleep before 4 a.m. and watch less back to back True Blood in bed while you are trying to sleep.
5. I’ll try to avoid bringing up the fact that you were a super nasty Italian whore before I met you. After this time, I really will.
6. I will do nice things for you more often. I know I should try harder and making coffee once per month after you ask me and I roll my eyes is not really that nice.
7. When we go to the center of Florence I will try really hard not to drag you into stores for window shopping. In return I’ll expect you to at least entertain me somewhat. Or, let me annoy other people. I can’t just walk around civilized, it’s asking too much.
8. Sometimes you can win an argument. I know I’m gifted in the area of debate and it’s not nice to ALWAYS WIN so I’ll let you win at least one in three arguments from now on. You’re welcome!
9. I’ll try to ask you less “what if” questions. I know that it weirds you out when we’re both on your bike and I ask, “what if I fell off of the back and hit my head and had brain damage and I forgot who you were?” or, “What if we were doing it and I became possessed by a demon? Would you finish or run away?” I can’t promise to stop but I’ll reduce it to once or twice per day.
10. When you’re frustrating me I will do my best not to snake bite you. Though, sometimes I can’t control him. Frank the snake doesn’t always listen but I’ll try. Maybe you could also try to piss him off less.
11. When you put desserts in the fridge I will leave you some next time. Unless it’s rose gelato. Then game is on.
12. I will do my YOuTube Opera videos while you’re at work since you don’t seem to appreciate my voice or epic tenacity when it comes to learning how to scream in tempo.
13. I’ll try really, really hard to put my clothes in the wardrobe instead of piling them on top of my dresser. I cannot promise anything in this department but I will do my best.
14. I promise to keep loving you in spite of yourself and I won’t stab you with a fork even if I REALLY, REALLY want to. Because not stabbing someone with a fork is true love and commitment.
15. When you ask me to do something like cook or clean I’ll try not to say things like, “You can do it or does your penis stop you from being a functional human being?” Instead I’ll say, “No.” And then I’ll hug you.