Marriage Class: Lesson 2

As usual I made a huge ass of myself today in our one hour marriage class titled “The Family Crisis.” Actually, it happened before the class even started because I’m that good, but to my defense I’m not the one who named my baby Douche. Okay, to be fair the name is technically Douche-o, but still, I’m not the one who posted the name Douche-o on a wall outside of the marriage classroom. Anyhow, all of the Italian couples were standing in a circle about ten feet away talking about their upcoming weddings while Francesco and I slacked off against a wall with some kind of chart when I saw the name and turned to Francesco. “Seriously? What asshole would name their kid Douche-o?”

He smiled politely,

“It’s a Florentine name.”

“Douche-o come kiss grandma goodbye. This is my little Douche-o! Douche-o, DOUCHE-O! That’s just fucked up. You guys should have known better. You don’t have Summer’s Eve commercials here?”

“No. We don’t. Oh! Oh! We could name our son Douche-o and our daughter Beg. DOUCHE-O BAG!”

“Douche-o Bag, you two are grounded!”

I don’t know why we thought it was funny. Something about going to class makes me regress to high school, plus I’m immature in general, we were hungry and entirely too sober. When the class doors opened we laughed all the way over to the other group where we were introduced to two new people. Nice to meet you, I’m whatever, and nice to meet you, Douche-O. We fucking lost it. I wasn’t even laughing, I was convulsing and that poor guy! It probably seemed like we were laughing at him but really we were just laughing at his name. Poor Douche-o. I can’t stop!

We go into the classroom and take our places around the big rectangle table. I tried to take a picture for you guys but Francesco hissed, “NOOOOO,” and then made me turn my phone off. He thinks he’s better than me because he has manners. The priest came and sat down then immediately launched into a one hour lecture. I couldn’t understand all of it but the gist of things seemed to be, “the family is failing.” He talked about the right and wrong reasons to get married, and we started to get the idea that our priest is really liberal (for a priest). At the end of his long lecture he asked everyone for questions, comments, etc.

The first couple: My father is very scared that when I get married I’ll stop speaking to him [giggle] but I keep telling him that I love him and that he’s just as important as my husband. I keep reassuring my father that things will never change between us.

Me: I’ve never been into Freud, but now it all makes sense. He clearly conducted his studies in Italy or used Italian subjects which explains his theory of father-daughter, mother-son relationships. And I thought my relationship with my dad was weird.

The second couple: I’m getting married because I have to because we have a child together.

Me. She seems sad and this makes me sad.

The Third Couple: Work, work, work, marriage is work, we know it’s difficult and it’s work, it’s super difficult, DEAR GOD WE KNOW IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT. It’s a big commitment. A BIG COMMITMENT!

Me. Uhm, yes. And you make it sound so fun!

The Fourth Couple: I’m getting married because I want to move out of my parents house. We’ve been together for ten years.

Me. Which you must do because it is  the year 1555. And ten years? Poor guy has been saving forever, how many cows did you cost?

The Fifth Couple: I want to get married IN.THE.CHURCH because I need Jesus. We need Jesus, we want Jesus in our marriage. We need Jesus [crying].

Me. Wow.

The priest: People who are not married, or married in the church have Jesus. Also, being in the church doesn’t make you christian, it’s what you believe and how you act that makes you christian.

The Fifth Couple:  [They were fucking pissed at the priest! They both scowled angrily] The man said, “So you’re saying that it’s not important to marry in the church? So you’re saying that we’d be just as good if we married in a civil marriage!”

Me. Wow. Rude.

The priest: Buildings don’t make you christian. Also, civil wedding was created by the Catholic church in countries where we did not want to have a protistant wedding. So, yes, a civil wedding is just as good as long as you live a christian life.

The Fifth Couple: [SO PISSED!]

Me. WOW.

Then Francesco decided to speak: Listen, everyone knows that marriage is a commitment and that it’s difficult. That’s pretty obvious but it isn’t work. You all make it sound so horrible! Marriage is exactly what you want it to be and for me, coming home and talking with my wife or making her happy isn’t work. I love it because I love her. Making her happy makes me happy so it’s not work. It’s just awesome. And that’s because we’re great friends, friendship is the key.


Me. THAT was an Athiest (Francesco).

Then everyone prayed and we went to pick up Oliver from the dog sitter. The dog sitter fired us. She said he cries too much. Now I’m sad. God punished me for my inner commentary and for making fun of Douche-O.

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