Getting Married Italian Style: How To Implode

So, coming up in May Francesco and I will be married for the third time. The first time was in Utah in the town hall so we could speed up my visa process, the second time was a week later in Park City, Utah in front of my friends and family. Now, we’re doing it all over again for his friends and family here in Italy. It’s been an interesting process, and by interesting I mean thank god it’s almost over. His family, especially the mother, are so stressed out I’m worried that at any moment one of them will have a stroke. Though, I can’t figure out what they’re so stressed about.

I was pretty proud of the fact that I planned my Utah wedding from Italy. Of course I had some help from amazing friends and family, but for the most part it was done from across the Atlantic and it was a relatively stress free experience. In fact, I must have something wrong with me because I actually thought it was kind of fun. Well, not ALL of it. I hated anything that required me to interact with anyone else, but I liked the design aspects. Anyhow, I was most proud of the fact that the entire event including the day of was virtually stress free. I was like, “lalala let’s get drunk.” And I did get drunk, too drunk. Here is our photographer’s blog for photos.

Here it’s the exact opposite and I really piss everyone off because I don’t understand where the stress is coming from. These have been some of the issues to date:

 

At the church talking to the priest:

Priest (while Oliver was snarling and snapping at him): Are you going to have children?

Me: I am unsure, me.

Priest: You have to say YES. If you don’t have children we don’t recognize your marriage.

Me: This not nice. What if I can’t do? Rude. And, we already married! Ha!

Priest: Rolling eyes. (He’s never even had sex so I don’t expect him to understand my fear of my vagina accomodating a giant baby).

 

On Wedding Colors:

Francesco’s mom: So you’re going to have red as your wedding color, right?

Francesco’s eyes get big and he looks to me to tell her but I shake my head no and tell him in English to tell her.

F: No. Green, white and gray.

Francesco’s mom: WHAT DO YOU MEAN GREEN, WHITE, AND GRAY!??? THE OTHER WEDDING YOU HAD RED AND NEUTRALS!

F: That was a fall wedding against gray and brown cliffs. So, it wouldn’t look right in a spring garden.

Francesco’s mom: WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT. I THOUGHT IT WAS RED!!!!????????????

Then I snuck out of the living room like a coward and left my husband to be eaten.

 

On How Things In Italy Are Difficult:

Francesco’s sister: Misty, you have to understand that planning a wedding in Italy is very, very stressful. There is much to do.

Me: I plan whole wedding myself. It only stress if you like stress. Me, no like.

Francesco’s sister: Yeah, that wedding was, uhm, cute. Simple, but cute.

 

On Wedding Hair:

Francesco’s Mom: Who are you hiring to do your hair?

Me: I do me. I make hair and makeup. people’s likes here uhm, crimping, and ringlets. This is not my like. I do easy thing. Nice.

Francesco’s Mom: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!??? NO! YOU CANNOT DO YOUR OWN HAIR! TOMORROW I SCHEDULE SOMEONE TO TRY OUT AND THEN YOU PICK SOMEONE!!!!!

Me: Oh. Ok.

On Getting Ready:

Me: So, me I stay in hotel to ready myself pretty. Everyone they have much stress. It more easy.

Francesco’s Mom: NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! EVERYONE WHO ISN’T INVITED TO THE WEDDING NEEDS TO SEE YOU LEAVE THE APARTMENT IN A DRESS!

Me: Why?

Francesco’s Mom: Because! Getting married here is a show, a production, it’s to impress people around you!

Me: Oh…me, I don’t like people look at me.

Francesco’s Mom: Yes, I know you’re shy. Get over it.

 

On Wedding Stationary:

Francesco’s Mom: NOTHING IS GETTING DONE!!!! YOU GUYS HAVE DONE NOTHING! YOU HAVE TO COME HOME SO WE CAN GET THE INVITATIONS DONE!!!

Me: Oh, but it’s December. Me, I thought you say we send out in March them?

Francesco’s Mom: YES! YES! WE SEND THEM OUT IN MARCH BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO DO THEM!

Me: I already make. I see on internet how to. It easy. In The’s United’s States take two weeks. I make. No worry you.

Francesco’s Mom: HOW CAN THEY MAKE THEM IN THE UNITED STATES!? )(/%)(£=$(=)%()£$=)”(% FINE! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

Me: You no like technology, yes?

 

On The Fucking Wedding Seating Chart:

This was something that went on every day for about three weeks before my husband had a meltdown and started avoiding her phone calls. Literally, every day, three times per day my mother in law would call us (in December) asking about the Tableau (table chart). She wanted to know style, type, color, and could not for the life of her understand what I meant by, “it will take like one day to put it together.” Finally, hoping to ease the stress I sent her images of exactly what I had in mind. I sent her a really beautiful apple tree in spring. It was a black and white sketch, and we planned on framing, and all the tables in seperate frames and displaying it in some unique way. Totally cute.

Me: You like?

Her: Could be better. This is better!

-Attached were images of cartoon trees with hearts where apples would normally be.

Me: Uhm, that it is beautiful, but we do vintage, elegant. Maybe this too different the style.

*This is the last time she sent me an email and has not responded to my other emails since then.

 

You can follow the wedding planning crap on my pinterest account. I need some good cocktail suggestions for both my daily life and the wedding.

Also, my husband just told me in this weird voice that sounds like a strange form of rebellion that he is going to hire belly dancers, and circus performers and we’re not telling anyone. That should make for an interesting blog post.

 

4 thoughts on “Getting Married Italian Style: How To Implode

  1. Pingback: Getting Married Italian Style: How To Implode | Dirtyfilthythings's Blog

  2. Pingback: Getting Married In Italy | Surviving M.E.: Living In Italy

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