Home stories Olli-Zilla


written by M.E. Evans December 4, 2012

We had to go to the post office tonight which doesn’t seem like a huge, boring ordeal but trust me, it is. You have to take a number and of course we had like 2 million and 50 yet they were still on 5, or something (exageration for dramatic impact). Anyhow, everyone knows I get bored easily. So, after three hours of standing in line I notice the security camera on the wall next to me shooting me in the head. And I can’t stop looking at myself in the monitor. I had a vision but I had to wait for Francesco to leave because I knew he would tell me I wasn’t allowed to do it. Because he always tells me I’m not allowed to do HILARIOUS THINGS FRANCESCO. But I started laughing prematurely which kind of gave me away and he started watching me with his eyes all narrowed and suspicious.
F: What are you up to?
Me: Nothing.
F: What did you do?
Me: Nothing…yet.
F: What is it?
Me: Well, nothing, when are you up? When is it your turn in line?
F: I don’t know in a while. Why?

Since we’d just been having a conversation about how we’re opposites and he assured me that it was AWESOME I thought, well maybe he’ll think this is funny and he’ll think it’s AWESOME. He did not.

So, I picked Oliver up and started holding him in front of the security camera going aaaaargh, raaaaaar and so on, while my husband stared at me like I’d just killed someone.

F: Stop doing that.
Me: I can’t, it’s Olli-zilla. This is a japanese film and he’s eating your head. Could you just be like, “oh no,” on camera, please?
F: No. And put him down, NOW.

Then on the way home I was whining because he wouldn’t take a picture of Olli-zilla. Then I saw a popsicle and I wanted it and he said no, WHILE he was lecturing me about shaking people’s hands.

Me: Why do I have to touch the post office lady? Just because she works there doesn’t make her sanitary AND that’s why you’re always sick, because you’re always having hand sex with everyone.
F: Oh, god. Babe!
Me: It’s true. And you know what else? I never tell you that you can’t put Oliver’s giant head on a monitor.
F: Yeah, because I ALWAYS ask you if I can put Oliver’s head on the security camera.
Me. Oh, so it’s my fault you lack immagination.

The end. And I didn’t get to have a fucking popsicle either.

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