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The Shit Challenge

written by M.E. Evans November 29, 2012

I actually have no idea why I’m writing about this but I’m going to do it anyways. It’s your lucky day!

Sometimes he drives

So, I have to personally take Oliver out at least twice every day. This gives me anxiety. Cleaning up dog doodie here is like doing battle. I literally get heart palpitations whenever he hunches over in his quasi modo (I have no idea how to spell that and I’m too lazy to google it) form and walks around doing “his business.”

The first problem is that Oliver walks while he does it as though he wants to make sure the ENTIRE sidewalk from left to right has been defiled by him. I think he does it on purpose. The second problem is that people seem to have an issue with going around us. If I see a dog, horse, person, taking a crap I avoid them. I go far away. Here, no. Here, they challenge you for the sidewalk space. So Oliver starts doing his business and I’m usually eyeing the foot traffic coming towards me and desperately trying to find his shit bags in my back pocket and clean it up before the people arrive. Which never happens. Sometimes I start shaking and this makes it worse. I don’t know why it makes me so nervous. I’ve tried to understand it but it’s not really logical. Whatever the reason it stresses me the fuck out. Crazy? Don’t judge me.

So, twice per day you can see me bending down on the sidewalk cleaning up dog doodie which is already embarrassing while people actually step over me staring me in the eyes the entire time. Really over me, as in they pick of their feet to step over my hand as I’m lifting Olivers filth from the street. They always turn after as if to say, “you see that you dirty doodie bitch? I walked right fucking over you, fuck you and your dog. This sidewalk is mine.” And then I picture her (it’s usually the women, which also makes me think we’re having a womb war) dropping her pants and pissing right on the sidewalk like Oliver because I feel it’s basically the same thing. There will be no cars in the street, and two feet of space next to the buildings, yet they will always, without question step over me. Sometimes the random thing sellers will stop while I pick up shit and try to sell me stuff while I’m scooping away. Once in a great while an old woman or man will stop to tell me good job for keeping the sidewalks clean, but mostly, it’s just people trying to step on my hands.

Now, I know for a normal person this doesn’t even sound scary. But I have social phobias and paranoia. I don’t even like people and I hate leaving my apartment. So, doing the sidewalk challenge sucks. It’s too much interaction and it seems kind of aggressive. I’ve often thought about throwing a shit bag at the back of someones head afterwards. Sometimes I take out the anxiety on Oliver and when he starts going I whine, “no not here, not here, people are coming! A few times I’ve just waiting to clean it up until people pass, but usually that results in them stepping in it, and then we have to run away while someone chases us screaming. It makes for an awkward day, I don’t like attention. I like to blend into the background, and that’s not easy when you’re running full speed with your confused dog, with some lady a foot behind you, screaming full volume about shit on her boot And they will chase you for a long time. So far, four blocks is the record. 

I actually don’t have a real point. Unless women in my area are reading this. In that case, go fucking around, you catty bitches. That is all.

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