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My Secret Weapon

written by M.E. Evans November 28, 2012

Last weekend Francesco and I went downtown to have a drink with his friends. Of course we had to bring Oliver with us which is usually annoying. This time, however, I found a way to entertain myself with him.

Sometimes when I drink a little too much I become somewhat of a gremlin. The girl gremlin specifically. I actually even look like her with smeared red lipstick and a shit eating grin. I laugh hysterically too, so yeah, clearly I am fucking hot when I’m drunk. Anyways, at some point during the night after four or five vodka somethings Oliver decided he was bored. So he started to hump some dude standing next to me. Normally I would have told him no and pulled him away but suddenly it was hilarious. So, not only did I let him keep going until the dude moved, I started nudging him towards everyone else. I was huddled in a corner with the leash dangling from my hand while Oliver went bunny fast on some strangers leg (the guy just pretended like he wasn’t being leg raped), laughing my ass off when my husband suddenly appeared. He was not laughing. He didn’t think I was funny. He told me I couldn’t make Oliver rub against people for my amusement. Bu, buuut buuut, I laughed, look at their faces!!!!! He just shook his head embarrassed that he knew me. But he’s lame, because it WAS funny.

I didn’t stop there. We left shortly after I was repremanded for using my dogs weiner as an assault weapon. In the car ride I apparently told Francesco that I could get away with whatever I wanted and he can’t tell me what to do because I am a ninja and I have ninja skills. He asked me what the ninja skills were and that’s when I decided to pose for him, like a model pose (think haggered and drunk) with my hands framing my face while batting my eyelashes. Then I screamed, HI YA! And punched the air in front of his face. I repeated my “secret weapon” for a solid hour or so. Showing him, that I could distract someone before punching them. He wasn’t impressed with this either. He made me a sandwich and told me I had to go to bed.

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