If This Was In Naples It Would Be Full Of Shit

“I have to put this on Facebook! The Grand Canyon is amazing!” My FIL is obsessed with FB. He’s been carefully planning every post to “make my friends jealous.” Naturally. He tries the posts out on us, asking our opinion on the impact of his words. “Good morning friends! Good morning from Utah!”

Grand Canyon

Grand Canyon with F and Oli

He is really enjoying the US. He’s impressed that people don’t litter. And efficiency! Man! “Things here are fast!” Standing in front of a panoramic view of the Grand Canyon with his 2005 digital camera stretched in front of him, “If this was in Naples it would be covered in shit. Our people are practically monkeys.”

My MIL rapidly came to Italy’s aid, “that’s not true! Italy is the best country on earth!” My FIL scoffed, “Really? Then why so much corruption? Why the economy? Why is the money gone?” He waved his hand dramatically,” Why is our country covered in garbage? We are monkeys! WE ARE MONKEYS! ”

This argument continued for twenty, thirty minutes. It ended with her pouting, and him brooding. They settled, sort of, on the idea that Italy is beautiful and the food is good. But that’s where the “positives ” end, according to my FIL on that particular day. He changed his mind at least 72 times throughout the week.

I have a deep appreciation for culture. I’m proud that I hail from an ancient blood, a line of warriors, scholars, longtime rulers of an old world. Pride is great. But nationalism and self-proclaimed superiority is terrible. I struggle with it when it’s Iran, or Italy or the US. I hate the line, “God bless America,” which brings an image to mind of an overweight Jesus on a cloud wearing a trucker hat with “USA,”burned into the outsourced cotton and he’s giving the finger to the rest of the world, especially the middle east, because seriously, fuck them, as far as American Jesus is concerned.

My FIL mentioned that he loves how people dress casually most of the time in AZ and Utah. “It’s so much more comfortable! You can feel good!” He gestures to his outfit, explaining that the constant need to impress or be judged is hard on people in Italy. “I’ve never liked that much.” I watch him talk in my rear-view mirror and, honestly, I’m not even sure I know who this man is. In Italy, he’s obsessed with appearances. He’s always yelling at me because Francesco’s shoes are dirty (it’s somehow my problem?), and because my outfits are not colorful enough (because my job is to dress like a peacock and then strut through Cassino earning his family stars for my steller outfit?). Looking good is more important to him than enjoying life, often citing, “what would people think?” as a reason for having the least amount of fun possible. Making an impression is everything to him. I had no idea that deep down the pressure to be accepted by the community weighed so heavily. The thought that he’s molded his life around impressing other people makes me sad. It’s sad.

Fitting in and doing exactly as everyone else does comes from tiny community mentality. The idea that you only had your community and without them you could potentially die. Back in the day it was the same way in the US. If you were outcasted, who would you trade with for food in the event of a crisis? Who would help you deliver your babies? Who would give you water in time of drought. Fitting in could literally be your lifeline in a small town. Also, fitting in was a huge part of fascism in Italy and the older generation still has the fascist culture that presses for people to conform above all else.

My FIL is an old school, southern man. As much as I love learning about traditions and watching them, I’m not always all about living them. I’d like to think of myself as progressive, and  racism, sexism, bullying, or fear tactics give me icky feelings. My MIL once said of her husband, “my husband must control everything, and he believes that he is the center of the world that revolves around him. My mother didn’t believe that men should be the boss. That is why my mom hated him and he hated her.” According to my FIL, men rule, and they should rule with authority and fear. Men don’t do things like the dishes. Real men sit at the table wearing a bib, getting crumbs all over the floor, banging silverware on the table while waiting for their food. “Real men” sound a lot like toddlers.

I was the most nervous for him to be in the US. Him and his rigid, Bella figura or death mentality are so exhausting in Italy and the source of so many arguments. “In Italy, you will learn to be Italian. You can’t be like you are in my house.” BUT he fucking LOVES the US like nobodies business. He’s having a blast! He loves that things are “clean, orderly,” that people are, “polite,” and that they “do what they should do.” He likes that there is rosemary randomly grown in places that he keeps foraging. He’s come home with bushels of it in AZ, and even Las Vegas.


My MIL in-law likes a few things but overall she hates the US which isn’t that surprising. In Italy my MIL has a bad case of classic superiority complex. “It’s just not possible for a her to be a good mother or wife…she isn’t Italian,” she once said about me. While in the US she’s spent most of her days noting how Italy is decidedly best. “Italian food, is best. Italian style is best. Italian children are better. Italian parents are better. Italian manners are better,” were among some of her larger statements.

Don’t get me wrong, Italy is awesome, but as a friend said, “it’s okay to be proud of your heritage, but feeling superior because you’re good at making spaghetti? Seems like a bit of a stretch…”

On a list of things she’s actually liked: She likes eyebrow threading. “That  dark brown woman! Where did she come from? That brown woman is good at this! With one thread! Nobody back home will believe it!” She made me search for threading on YouTube where she watched the videos over and over again, writing the URL down in a notepad to show her friends back in her village.

She really loved the Swiffer, and our little Bissell vacuum which she bought and crammed into her suitcase to take back to Italy, “The technology is amazing here.”

One morning I caught her with her entire head in the clothes dryer. “It just dries your clothes! Right in your house!” She’s obsessed with affordable controlled air, noting that in Italy her cold apartment is giving her neck problems.

In Sephora the worker put makeup on her and took the time to show her around the store. My MIL was so excited about this that she hugged the woman afterwards. “I think that my granddaughter should come here at eighteen to become a beautician.” I took her to one of those nail salons, the ones with an exclusive vietnamese staff and the suspicious nail pimp who trolls the technicians. The nail technician looked at my MIL’s nails, “who did her nails? This is the worst nail job I’ve ever seen in my life. Tell her not to go there anymore,” she filed her fingernail violently.I agree with this. Nobody are as good as these places called, “Starz Nails,” or “Diamond Nails.”

“The Chinese are so good at this!” She exclaimed as we left with her new shiny red toes. “Vietnamese,” I corrected her. She stared at me for a long time trying to figure out what the difference was.


11 thoughts on “If This Was In Naples It Would Be Full Of Shit

  1. Excellent article. Your observations are so very true and on the mark. I love the one about the “Fat American Jesus who doesn’t care about the rest of world,” definitely one of the major absurdities about this country! (as we can see, every country has their own share of the ridiculous, and rigid mentality).

  2. Luckly not all of us italians are like your in-laws; young people is more open to other cultures, even if male-female stereotypes are still really hard to fight.
    Most italian men leave parent’s house only to start living with another woman (a surrogate mother?), so they never learn how to do the laundry, cook, clean and manage a house… I think this is a weakness for us, not something to be proud of (like my dad does).
    Living alone for a while made me more independent and mature… Now I split all the house duties with my wife, according to our job load and free time.

    • Youre totally right Jacopo. Thats why I married my husband. He’s awesome, progressive, and not like his parents at all. He’s a wonderful partner. He also lived alone for 6 years before i met him (far from his parents). It makes a big difference.

  3. I have been WAITING for this post since December when you posted they were on their way to the US! I really think this trip has opened their eyes (even MIL). Hope there are more stories.

  4. I do believe it is a generational thing, like Jacopo said and that’s a very good thing. I am telling you, my parents are second generation Italian (or Sicilian-mom)-Americans and they sound so much like your in-laws. I can totally relate to your experiences and the horror and frustration that dealing with them can cause. Reading this makes me laugh and shake my head. Good job!

  5. Great Post! I was laughing through the whole thing! I’m sure your in-laws are annoying at times but, oh my, you gotta laugh! In my opinion, I think every human being should live on their own for a while after living with parents and before they find a life partner. Everyone should learn the basic skills of taking care of one’s self (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.). Yes, it’s nice to be taken care of in those ways, but I would never marry someone who expected me to do everything for them all the time.

  6. Really enjoyed this post,along with all the others of course, it really nails it! One phrase we hear a lot here is “il migliore in tutto il mondo”, which is used when speaking about most things, singers,movies,cars,universities,health care etc. The patriotism is admirable, however to make a statement like that one would assume that the speaker has experienced what others have to offer, which in most cases they have not. When asked how this conclusion was drawn, the answer comes back “i saw it on the television”.
    This is changing though, albeit at a snail’s pace, as younger Italians travel more and see other cultures and their ways of doing things. Notwithstanding food, culture and history (these are the reason most expats live here), when pressed even older Italians will come out and admit that things in Italy just do not work.
    The fact that F sees these things, not to mention vocalises them, shows he is open minded and what Italy needs more of. Maybe he should throw his hat into the ring for the vacant Presidency?
    Keep up the great work.

  7. I was incredibly fortunate to live in Naples for two+ years courtesy of NATO and the US Navy. I LOVE the observation of the FIL from the first paragraph. Makes me hopeful for change in that region. Excellent, nostalgia inducing post.

  8. I had a wonderful Napolitana tell me “Here in Italy (Napoli) all Asians are the same”, this was her reply when I told her I was Korean, not Chinese. My work colleague was the best though, when he received an email which had the wrong encoding so the Korean text showed up in several lines of the same square shape. He subsequently hailed me over and asked me to translate the row of same shape, size squares…….. ah jeeesas…

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