Home stories 10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married Me

10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married Me

written by M.E. Evans May 31, 2013

1.

“I’m an airplane, brrrrrrr, I’m an airplane, brrrrr! I want to be a pigeon so I can shit on people!”-I don’t remember this but apparently it happened after a little too much mojito last week.

2.

F: Misty, WHY CAN YOU NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE!? WHY!?

ME: I was doing stuff.

F: What kind of stuff!?

ME: Not dying. You’re welcome.

F: Thank you? Wait. NO! Answer your fucking phone when I call!

3.

While dancing romantically in the kitchen:

ME: What would  you do if we were dancing then suddenly I looked up and I had a zombie face?

F: What?!

ME: And I started eating your face.

F: What!? Why!?

ME: Because I would be a zombie. Jesus. It’s like talking to a wall! I don’t even know why I try anymore!

F: Shakes head, walks away.

4.

After cuddling.

F: This is nice. I like laying next to you and…

ME: Holy shit! It looks like I’ve been mauled by a grizzly bear! LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR! Are you SHEDDING!?

F: Blink. Blink. Shakes head. Sighs.

5.

ME: Are you happy?

F: Yes. I love you. You make me very happy.

ME: Sigh.

F: Are you happy?

ME: Mostly.

F: Why, what’s wrong?

ME: I don’t have a Capybara.

F: Seriously? Are you going to bring this up every fucking day?

ME: Until you either buy me one or die. It’s really up to you how this goes down.

F: Why did I do this to myself?

ME: Why are you doing this to DWAYNE is the bigger question? I mean, he’s a giant cuddly rodent! What did he ever do to you?

6.

ME: So you know how you’ve always wanted to live on a farm but I don’t because I’m not inbred?

F: Uhm, yes? I guess. Where is this going?

ME: I’ve decided we can buy a farm. We can have whatever animals you want and then on the other side I can have a pool with a Capy

F: No.

ME: THE FUCK!?

F: No. So…give up already.

ME: It’s not even for ME! It’s for YOU. Oliver could finally have a friend and he’d stop being annoying and you’d be less stressed out! And we could swim together in the pool so you won’t have to worry about me drowning!

F: No.

ME: We’re not friends. And Dwayne thinks you’re a dick.

F: No.

ME: FINE!

7.

ME: If I had both a penis AND a vagina would you still date me?

F: If you were a hermaphrodite?

ME: Yes. Exactly. If I told you on the first date that I had BOTH would you still date me? I was thinking about the lady-boys and wondering how that all goes down during the “big reveal.”

F: Yeah, I think I would have still dated you.

ME: Yeah? Cool. Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite. She’s pretty hot.

F: Would you date me if I was one?

ME: Ew. No way! If you had a Man-gina? Nope. Too confusing. Too much terminology and I’m lazy.

F: That’s not very nice.

ME: My love has boundaries.

8.

F: You’re not allowed to swim in the ocean without supervision.

ME: I’M AN ADULT FRANCESCO!

F: Yeah, an adult who nearly just died in three feet of water.

ME: I’ve never been in a big wave before! I’m afraid of the water! SHARKS!

F: Fine, then don’t go in. When I say, “jump” I don’t mean, “head butt the wave.” Seriously, what is wrong with you?

ME: What else am I supposed to do when I’m violently attacked by water?

F: Jump above it like a normal person.

ME: Oh. Okay, from now on…

F: No. No more. You can stay by the pool.

ME: You know what? You should probably talk to someone about your controlling personality. You shouldn’t try to make your issues my issues. And you shouldn’t expect me to know everything that there is to know about violent water. I grew up in UTAH in the DESERT.

F: Which is exactly why it’s safer for you to stay by the pool.

ME: Dwayne would let me…

English: Photo of a Capybara, formatted (and s...

“LET HER HAVE ME FRANCESCO!” –DWAYNE. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9.

ME: Oliver learned how to “finish” with his teddy bear.

F: What do you mean by “finish?”

ME: You know. When a boy dog becomes a man dog. He’s a man dog now. And a gross one at that.

F: Are you saying that he…? THAT IS DISGUSTING!

ME: I know! I saw the whole thing!

F: And you didn’t STOP HIM?

ME: What would you like me to do? Take his girlfriend away in the middle of all that heated passion? No. That seemed invasive.

F: So what did you do instead?

ME: I watched and tried to film it but I couldn’t get the camera working. Also, he fainted after. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever…

F: Stop talking.

ME: You’re mad at me!? Listen, I don’t want to be some weird sex person who gets involved in my dogs sex life. It’s none of my business!

F: Stop talking. I’m not mad I’m traumatized and trying to figure out how to dispose of the teddy bear without touching it.

ME: I don’t think that’s very nice.

F: Also, what is that on the floor?

Me: Uhm…

F: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING. WHY DID YOU LET HIM FINISH!?

ME: Well, we both agree that it’s disgusting. Finally. We agree on something. And for the record I didn’t KNOW HE COULD REALLY FINISH!

F: Where do puppies come from?

ME: You know what, this is a conversation you should have had with your parents. It’s not my responsibility to educate you on procreation.

F: Just find a bucket and bleach and stop talking.

10.

F: Did you do anything today?

ME: Work.

F: What kind of work?

ME: My JOB.

F: And?

ME: And nothing.

F: AND?

ME: And I watched maybe a few shark attack videos.

F: Misty, seriously, HOW MANY did you watch? Like ALL of YouTube is highlighted!?

ME: It was for work.

F: You were writing about shark attacks?

ME: No. But LIVING is a job. And I had to research how to NOT DIE.

F: I don’t even know what to say to that.

ME: Just feel safe knowing I won’t be eaten.

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27 comments

notyourvictim May 31, 2013 at 12:24 pm

Well, good for Oliver! Is he neutered? Because I didn’t know neutered dogs could do that. (And I seriously spent that entire bit laughing out loud, which woke up my dog who is lazy and won’t get up with me in the mornings. She is now judging me with her eyes.)

Reply
M.E. Evans May 31, 2013 at 1:33 pm

Hey babe! I knew you’d appreciate that part, since you’re a big dog person like me 🙂 No, unfortunately he’s not fixed. They don’t do that here very often so it’s really expensive (around 500 dollars). I asked for it but our vet looked at me like I was insane so I backed away and left Oliver intact. Though, since he’s learned to go nuts with his stuffed animals I’m considering “the snip” once again.

Reply
chule November 25, 2013 at 9:13 pm

Thank you so much for this I laughed and laughed and peed my pants and laughed at that, I love you!

Reply
M.E. Evans June 4, 2013 at 2:13 am

Reblogged this on Dirty Filthy Things and commented:

Everyone Is Shocked That Someone Married Me: Here Are Ten Reasons Why I’m More Surprised Than You Are

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First Time On Surviving In Italy? | Surviving M.E.: Living In Italy July 4, 2013 at 11:42 am

[…] 10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married M.E. […]

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bevchen August 28, 2013 at 12:03 pm

WordPress suggested your blog to me… and I’m glad it did. This is HILARIOUS! Although the Oliver part was kind of traumatising… poor teddy bear!

Reply
M.E. Evans August 29, 2013 at 8:58 am

Thank you for making my morning. 🙂 My husband hid the Teddy Bear and it has yet to resurface in the house. He tried to get “familiar” with his pig toy but then my husband hid that one too. My husband spends a weird amount of time hiding dog toys.

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New To M.E.? | Dirty Filthy Things September 5, 2013 at 1:16 pm

[…] 10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married Me […]

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ksbeth September 13, 2013 at 1:48 am

hilarious and i look forward to more. thanks for reading my words too, best, beth

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mayazama@hotmail.com October 3, 2013 at 9:27 am

the people u will always remember r the one’s who made u feel loved when u were at ur lowest

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mayazama@hotmail.com October 3, 2013 at 9:28 am

i feel like i am waiting for some thing that isn’t going to happen

Reply
chinaelevatorstories October 16, 2013 at 9:31 am

Just found your blog via internations. You’re hilarious! Can’t stop laughing.

Reply
creamychipotle November 18, 2013 at 9:24 pm

I stumbled across your blog (I was going to say “came” across your blog…oh so appropriate lol) and was tearing up from holding back the laughter (I am in a place where noise is discouraged lol). I am planning on becoming an ex-pat myself in the next year or two though my move would be to AU or NZ I still feel like any ex-pat experience is good experience. Seriously…thank you for the laugh…Mondays always require a little laughter!

Reply
M.E. Evans November 19, 2013 at 12:17 am

Thank you for the read and the comment. Yes, I think that expat life is more or less similar (unless you live in a really remote village somewhere then that might be different). I’m glad to have helped you out of the Monday rut a bit. Have a great day!

Reply
Alex November 23, 2013 at 8:46 pm

You are super awesome. Also the picture (s) are really cool!
Bacio

Reply
maya December 3, 2013 at 10:02 am

but hopes some one understad as i wants to typing here

Reply
seelygirl February 13, 2014 at 4:39 am

bwaaahaaaa!!

Reply
M.E. Evans February 13, 2014 at 6:58 am

😉

Reply
First Time On Surviving In Italy? | Living In Italy.Moving To Italy. Loving In Italy. Laughing In Italy. April 14, 2014 at 1:40 am

[…] 10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married M.E. […]

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Adela July 10, 2014 at 9:48 am

Ughhh I can’t believe I’m gonna comment here again, I’m SUCH a stalker. But two weeks ago I asked my boyfriend whether he would kill me or lock me up and try to cure me if Ibecame a zombie and attacked him.
If you divorce that Francesco guy I’ll be waiting.
(Yes I’m a straight girl but who are you to judge me you homophobic).

Reply
Rebeca Túbio September 2, 2014 at 6:59 am

YOUR BLOG IS AWESOME! Im brazilian, and I really want to live in Italy….
Your posts are great! Dont stop doing it, please!! <3

Reply
Wynne December 9, 2014 at 3:10 pm

“Dwayne” could possibly run as fast as a horse? Holy crap! You must get one.

Reply
Kaela March 14, 2015 at 12:47 pm

You are HILARIOUS!!! Amazing, I also had an Italian boyfriend (from Rome) – they just don’t grasp our weirdness 100%!

Reply
Izzy July 18, 2015 at 3:01 am

I’m just In love with you two together and I’m just trying to understand how you made a Italian guy marry you. How did you do it? I thought they were players, I want an Italian too ahh help me?
And where did he learn English so well? Or are all Italians that good?

Reply
IJ17 (@IsabeliJane) October 27, 2015 at 4:42 am

I’m 2 years late commenting on this post. I see myself in you and I think we will be good friends hahaha.

Reply
briandmumford April 20, 2017 at 10:55 pm

OMG, you are hilarious! I grew up in New York with many “Italian” American neighbors (and my step grandfather was Italian), but I’ve been living in white bread America (Ohio) for almost 20 years now. I’ve noticed many differences, much like you’ve spoken about (albeit to a lesser extent); and as a result I think I’m increasingly interested in how people behave differently in other areas inside and outside our country. I don’t see myself moving abroad, however. I took Latin for years in my youth and can hardly remember any of it now, so anything else would be too much work for me to learn at this point in my life. Anyway, keep up the good work.

Reply
M.E. Evans April 21, 2017 at 6:35 am

Thanks Brian!

Reply

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