1.
“I’m an airplane, brrrrrrr, I’m an airplane, brrrrr! I want to be a pigeon so I can shit on people!”-I don’t remember this but apparently it happened after a little too much mojito last week.
2.
F: Misty, WHY CAN YOU NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE!? WHY!?
ME: I was doing stuff.
F: What kind of stuff!?
ME: Not dying. You’re welcome.
F: Thank you? Wait. NO! Answer your fucking phone when I call!
3.
While dancing romantically in the kitchen:
ME: What would you do if we were dancing then suddenly I looked up and I had a zombie face?
F: What?!
ME: And I started eating your face.
F: What!? Why!?
ME: Because I would be a zombie. Jesus. It’s like talking to a wall! I don’t even know why I try anymore!
F: Shakes head, walks away.
4.
After cuddling.
F: This is nice. I like laying next to you and…
ME: Holy shit! It looks like I’ve been mauled by a grizzly bear! LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR! Are you SHEDDING!?
F: Blink. Blink. Shakes head. Sighs.
5.
ME: Are you happy?
F: Yes. I love you. You make me very happy.
ME: Sigh.
F: Are you happy?
ME: Mostly.
F: Why, what’s wrong?
ME: I don’t have a Capybara.
F: Seriously? Are you going to bring this up every fucking day?
ME: Until you either buy me one or die. It’s really up to you how this goes down.
F: Why did I do this to myself?
ME: Why are you doing this to DWAYNE is the bigger question? I mean, he’s a giant cuddly rodent! What did he ever do to you?
6.
ME: So you know how you’ve always wanted to live on a farm but I don’t because I’m not inbred?
F: Uhm, yes? I guess. Where is this going?
ME: I’ve decided we can buy a farm. We can have whatever animals you want and then on the other side I can have a pool with a Capy…
F: No.
ME: THE FUCK!?
F: No. So…give up already.
ME: It’s not even for ME! It’s for YOU. Oliver could finally have a friend and he’d stop being annoying and you’d be less stressed out! And we could swim together in the pool so you won’t have to worry about me drowning!
F: No.
ME: We’re not friends. And Dwayne thinks you’re a dick.
F: No.
ME: FINE!
7.
Him: I feel like I’m living with that kid from that one alien movie.
Me: Drew Barrymore?
Him: Not E.T. the one where the kid leaves the water glasses all over the house.
Me: I’m not following
Him: Because you leave glasses all over the goddamn house. I’m not “leaving” them. I’m strategically setting water hydration stations around the house, Francesco. That’s why my skin is so glowy.
Francesco: WHAT?
Me: Glow-y.
8.
F: You’re not allowed to swim in the ocean without supervision.
ME: I’M AN ADULT FRANCESCO!
F: Yeah, an adult who nearly just died in three feet of water.
ME: I’ve never been in a big wave before! I’m afraid of the water! SHARKS!
F: Fine, then don’t go in. When I say, “jump” I don’t mean, “head butt the wave.” Seriously, what is wrong with you?
ME: What else am I supposed to do when I’m violently attacked by water?
F: Jump above it like a normal person.
ME: Oh. Okay, from now on…
F: No. No more. You can stay by the pool.
ME: You know what? You should probably talk to someone about your controlling personality. You shouldn’t try to make your issues my issues. And you shouldn’t expect me to know everything that there is to know about violent water. I grew up in UTAH in the DESERT.
F: Which is exactly why it’s safer for you to stay by the pool.
ME: Dwayne would let me…
“LET HER HAVE ME FRANCESCO!” –DWAYNE. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
9.
ME: Oliver learned how to “finish” with his teddy bear.
F: What do you mean by “finish?”
ME: You know. When a boy dog becomes a man dog. He’s a man dog now. And a gross one at that.
F: Are you saying that he…? THAT IS DISGUSTING!
ME: I know! I saw the whole thing!
F: And you didn’t STOP HIM?
ME: What would you like me to do? Take his girlfriend away in the middle of all that heated passion? No. That seemed invasive.
F: So what did you do instead?
ME: I watched and tried to film it but I couldn’t get the camera working. Also, he fainted after. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever…
F: Stop talking.
ME: You’re mad at me!? Listen, I don’t want to be some weird sex person who gets involved in my dogs sex life. It’s none of my business!
F: Stop talking. I’m not mad I’m traumatized and trying to figure out how to dispose of the teddy bear without touching it.
ME: I don’t think that’s very nice.
F: Also, what is that on the floor?
Me: Uhm…
F: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING. WHY DID YOU LET HIM FINISH!?
ME: Well, we both agree that it’s disgusting. Finally. We agree on something. And for the record I didn’t KNOW HE COULD REALLY FINISH!
F: Where do puppies come from?
ME: You know what, this is a conversation you should have had with your parents. It’s not my responsibility to educate you on procreation.
F: Just find a bucket and bleach and stop talking.
10.
F: Did you do anything today?
ME: Work.
F: What kind of work?
ME: My JOB.
F: And?
ME: And nothing.
F: AND?
ME: And I watched maybe a few shark attack videos.
F: Misty, seriously, HOW MANY did you watch? Like ALL of YouTube is highlighted!?
ME: It was for work.
F: You were writing about shark attacks?
ME: No. But LIVING is a job. And I had to research how to NOT DIE.
F: I don’t even know what to say to that.
ME: Just feel safe knowing I won’t be eaten.
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