Home stories Marriage Classes: Brought To You By The Catholic Church: Lesson 1

Marriage Classes: Brought To You By The Catholic Church: Lesson 1

written by M.E. Evans January 24, 2013

So, a lot of stuff has been going on lately and I haven’t been that great at keeping you guys updated. So, here it goes: Even though we’re having a “mixed” marriage, meaning that I’m not Catholic, we have to attend marriage classes at the church across the street from our house. Now, I think the idea of marriage classes is genius and everyone should have to take them before marriage. How great would it be to learn conflict resolution, listening skills, interpersonal communication skills, etc..before you’re hitched? It would be awesome but this is not what you learn in Catholic marriage class. In fact, aside from “sperm conservation” (think Monty Python) I’m not sure what they teach but I’m about to find out. I don’t want to offend any of my Catholic readers, but seriously, I’m not sure I can trust some guy who has never been married to tell me how to go for fifty years without murdering my spouse. It’s also possible that the classes are different in the US but here our first class went something like this:

We entered. We sat. Couples came in giggling and blushing all introducing themselves and sitting around the table demanding the wedding date of everyone else. The priest entered. His married assistant entered. The priest asked everyone what they wanted to learn from the class and the answers were as follows:

“I would like to learn how to deal with arguments. We’ve been together for ten years and we don’t know how to solve arguments.” Listen, if you can’t solve arguments with someone you’ve been with for TEN YEARS you should not be getting married. You should be getting therapy.

“I am here because I’d like to get married to gain financial indepence from our parents.” The fuck?

“I would like to learn how to be married happily.” Yes, ask the unmarried man in the dress. He knows.

This continued for a while. Then, we were asked to introduce ourselves. This is where I become an asshole and say it all in English. This way, I am allowed to color in my book instead of listening because it gives the impression that I don’t speak Italian. I didn’t feel like I belonged there, I felt like an imposter and I didn’t want to be forced to speak in any way. My husband introduced us by pointing out that he’s Catholic and I’m an Athiest because he’s a jerk. Also, he’s not really Catholic, and I’m Agnostic, HE’S Athiest. He’s only Catholic when it’s convenient for him. CALLING YOU OUT BUDDY! Anyhow, everyone stopped talking to stare at me, so I took it as a good time to smile and wave. Some giggled at this, one couple rolled their eyes and the priest was inspired to rant for thirty minutes about how great it is that I’m willing to attend the classes for the sake of my husband and that the life of an Atheist is difficult because every day of my life I struggle to ignore the existence of God. Which I don’t do, priest. In fact, I’ve tried really  hard to be religious a few times but I can’t get myself to believe in any of the books that were written by men. Men are idiots, inspired by God or not they are bound to screw things up. Again, I’m not Athiest, I don’t deny the possibility of anything, I believe in simple morality. I believe in kindness inspired by true compassion, not morality inspired by obedience.  With that said, I’ve always thought it would be really cool to be Catholic, but the fact that a lot of religious people are assholes has turned me off  to the whole thing. An example? The priest last month (in Italy) who announced that all of the women being murdered in the world “deserve it.” Asshole. If more Catholics were like Lady Gaga I’d be all over it.

With that said, I’m not a perfect example of morality and I feel like I should make a list of my bad qualities just to show I’m not putting myself on any kind of pedistool, but that would take too long. Anyhow, after the priest finished his thing we sat around and basically stared at each other for ten minutes before the class was over. In two weeks we have another class. Cannot.Wait. I will keep you updated.


Every Sperm Is Sacred, Every Sperm Is Great


My Church Class Artwork. Don't Ask.

My Church Class Artwork. Yes, that is a burning house.

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kiwigirlattemptingitalian September 26, 2013 at 10:50 pm

Wow, I’m pretty sure Papa francesco wouldn’t agree with what that priest said by any means. I reckon the priests in italy are still stuck in the dark ages. My boyfriend is catholic as am I, but he hated going to church in italy, because it was always very impersonal, where as over here in London where we both are at the moment, the priests try to engage everyone a lot better and makes it easy for everyone to understand. Some priests just shouldn’t express “those” opinions to a congregation of people! They should keep them to themselves!

M.E. Evans September 27, 2013 at 4:33 pm

It does depend on the region. Some priests are far more conservative than others.

sophiekruijsdijk October 29, 2013 at 10:11 am

Hahaha… Wow. Heavy shit. I’ve attended a Catholic wedding of my boyfriend’s cousin. Right there I decided NOT to get married in church. I got freaked out by the mea culpa rant… As if we’re all sinners and need to get set right by church… Right. Did your husband insist on marrying in church? Or was it your lovely mother-in-law?

M.E. Evans October 29, 2013 at 10:47 am

I’m definitely not a fan of organized religion. We married in the church for my husband’s family. They were very worried about what people would say if we didn’t marry in a church. Though, I didn’t convert so we had a mixed ceremony. A lot of the religious stuff was removed. We still had to do the classes though. I actually enjoyed the classes in a way because our priest was really liberal and open-minded and the other people there were crazy so it was mildly entertaining (and fun to write about). 🙂

Amor Usagi November 14, 2013 at 4:54 pm

LOL – your post made me died. I’m actually just registered for Marriage Classes at a Christian Chinese Church, and seriously… I think it’s waste of my time. Not only is this course 3 hours long, it’s also on a Saturday in the middle of my day! WHY must they do this to me? Like you said, I just want to get marry, this is why I have to attend a 3 month course, every Saturday. Can’t wait to start.

M.E. Evans November 15, 2013 at 11:39 am

Thank you! Yes, the marriage classes can be heavy! I think that marriage counseling could be good, like, learning how to communicate better, etc., but the classes we did were just super weird and LOOONG and honestly we didn’t really learn anything. Sigh. Good luck though! And congratulations on getting married!

boocatbutterbee May 23, 2014 at 9:33 pm

So, you could be one of the cool Catholics. You shouldn’t let assholes ruin your fun.

June July 2, 2014 at 11:01 am

i’m a little late reading this one but SO funny! 43 years ago I had to endure a private “class” with the priest that was going to marry my first husband & myself. The priest knew I was pregnant but I had to sign a document stating that I could produce children or he wouldn’t agree to marry us….as well as to swear not to have sex again until we were married. No longer married and no longer catholic. happy dance!


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