These Are My Friends. I’m One Lucky Babe.

I have the most amazing friends in the entire world. That’s a fact, you can fucking wikipedia it and if it’s not there isn’t because someone deleted it out of jealousy. I have the kind of friends who would LITERALLY help me get rid of a body. I have no questions or doubts about it. They are generous and loving and above all honest and I can count on them to tell me when I’m being an idiot (which is pretty much all the time) or when I’m being normal (which is way less often). For me, friendship is making the people around you a better person, it’s not just agreeing with everything that they say, supporting every stupid idea, and avoiding difficult conversations. I’m don’t exist in people’s lives to stroke their ego and I don’t want people in my life for that sole purpose either. 

I would do anything for them because they’re and amazing and this is why: 

me:  i am a lizard


 me:  seriously. I cannot generate my own heat

 Sent at 11:07 PM on Wednesday

Cynthia Me either. I’m always cold.

 Sent at 11:09 PM on Wednesday

 me:  Me too


 Cynthia I get angry when I’m cold.

 me:  Me too

And I can’t function

And even my vagina won’t work

 Sent at 11:12 PM on Wednesday

Cynthia :O

 Sent at 11:13 PM on Wednesday

 me:  True story

Cynthia I know.

All your stories are true.

It’s all you ever tell. The truth rudely distorted.

I think that should be the subtitle for your blog.

M.E. Trust Distorted Rudely

 Sent at 11:17 PM on Wednesday



 me:  “rudely distorted”

I like that

Cynthia You can quote me.

I know you will.

 me:  HAHAHA

 Cynthia:  You wrote it down already.

 me:  Oh! Which reminds me! No, cynthia, I copy and pasted it. I’m LAZY.


 me:  Which reminds me, I spoke with a girl the other day who I was friends with when I was 9

During A BUNCH OF SHIT I did

And we were talking about it

And I was like, “You see Francesco! I HAVE FUCKING PROOF!”

And he was like, “yeah, I don’t question you’re crazy shit anymore. At first I thought you were a compulsive liar, but turns out fucked up shit just falls into your lap.”

And I was all, “oh,” because I was excited to prove him wrong

Cynthia:  You’re a fucked up shit magnet.




“Hey don’t hate me but a few things…
Dates again?
What does one wear in Italy? (don’t you dare laugh at me)
What all should I pack besides clothes?
Are you going to meet me in Milan or am I going to have to wear my big girl shoes?
What stuff should I research before leaving?
Am I going to die?
Should I buy a translation book?
Will I pee my pants and/or get raped?
Do you love me as much as I love you?”


ME: Will you be my maid of honor?

BF: What exactly is that and what do I have to do?

ME: Your job is to do….etc. 

BF: Uhm, that sounds lame. Can I just throw you a party with naked dudes and call it good?

ME: Sigh. Fine. 


Russian Princess:

“Listen, if someone is being a dick and they are going to try to humiliate you in public, I’m all for beating the shit out of them. Tell them if their going to be an asshole to wear a fucking helmet first.” 


Bob Squad: “So, you’re going to be kind of mad at me but I kind of forced my way into your ex boyfriend’s house and slapped him a few times. I might have been drunk, I also might have lectured him on how he was a dick to you. I definitely slapped him. Uhm…so…I’m sorry, but I was trying to defend your honor.”


“…they’re idiots if they don’t think their kids could turn into zombies and tear their throats out. and we will be long gone cause we would’ve seen it coming because we don’t live in denial.”




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