Home stories Italian Bathrooms, The Bidet And How To Have A Sparkling DownTown Area

Italian Bathrooms, The Bidet And How To Have A Sparkling DownTown Area

written by M.E. Evans September 3, 2014

Hey guys! So, this is a C.O.S.I Post about bathrooms in Italy and bathroom related things. Don’t forget to check out what everyone else has to say about the bidet, bathrooms, and bathroom humor on my COSI page. Want to join us? Leave a comment on the page saying so and we’ll get in touch!

So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about The Bidet.

When I have visitors from outside of Italy I know it’s only a matter of time before one of them shyly asks about that thing in the bathroom that looks like a sink on the floor. “It’s a bidet,” I tell them. They’ll move closer, as if they’re about to disclose a secret, “Weird! So, uh, how does it work?”

A toilet (left) and a bidet (right).

A toilet (left) and a bidet (right). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let’s start with the first part of the reaction that the bidet is “weird.” I’m not sure that there is anything less than AWESOME about having a sparkling clean vagina twenty-four-seven. SPARKLING, CLEAN and it feels, GREAT. Don’t even get me started on how awesome the bidet is for men, especially the hairy ones whose asses could very well belong on a baboon. I’m pretty sure that most men, without a bidet, leave what could only be described as a murder scene of doody in their whitey-tities (why can you not operate toilet paper!?). The bidet is your friend, guys. It’s your friend. Don’t have a bidet? Get one! Seriously, best investment ever. When I’m in the US I feel totally icky without one of these things around. I’ll never understand why they haven’t become more popular in the US. I promise, once you’ve used it, you cannot go back. 

How To Use The Bidet:
1. Use the toilet (preferably like a normal person, not like a monkey-see below).
2. Use toilet paper.
3. Turn on the bidet and make sure the water isn’t scolding hot. I’ve burned my hoo-haw before and it totally sucked.
4. Sit on the bidet either straddling it, or facing away from it. Wash your bits with the fancy “hoo-haw,” soap just like you would in a bath.
5. Pat dry with a towel.
6. Model your clean and fancy parts for all to see, and/or, just put your pants back on (perv).
7. Attention women: If you hop on the bidet facing the water, you might get a “happy surprise.” So, if screaming, “Yes, YES, YES,” in a guest’s bathroom during a dinner party isn’t what you’d had in mind, I’d be careful where the water hits you. (Note: This isn’t from personal experience but I have friends who use the bidet as a cleaning machine AND as a boyfriend substitute. And yes, we’ve talked about it because Vodka).
8. For more on how to use a bidet check out this: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-a-Bidet


Italian Public Bathrooms.
When you go into any home in Italy you’ll almost always be shocked by the sheer sparkling cleanness that is their bathroom. Even in the grosses bachelor pads, somehow, their bathrooms are always clean. I’ve never seen cleaner bathrooms in my life. So, it’s really disheartening to learn that for some reason, these clean people, cannot use a public restroom.

The public restrooms in Italy are among the grossest I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ve traveled, a lot, and I don’t understand why. In the women’s restroom it’s entirely common to step over a river of urine on the way to the toilet. The sink is almost always clogged, water over-flowing, and the toilet is always, without a doubt, beading with piss as if, on a hot day, the toilet has perspirated pee. I’ve often tried to understand the logistics of how in the hell women can piss all over a toilet. Are they standing on it? Do they hang their bum over the toilet and belly dance? Are they just unsure how public toilets work? Sometimes, even in the nicest restaurants, I’ll enter a bathroom after a classy woman leaves it, to find a situation that can only be compared to the monkey exhibit of the zoo. Monkeys often pee on each other menacingly and on occasion they poop in their hands and throw it at each other. So, that, but in an ornately decorated public bathroom in a Michelin star restaurant. WTF!? Can someone please explain this to me?

Italian Bathrooms And Bathroom Signs.
There are almost always strange signs in Italian bathrooms. I’ve taken it upon myself to document them because what the hell?

A Bathroom Sign In A Club In Florence

A Bathroom Sign In A Club In Florence

The Dwarf-size bathroom ceiling (I hit my head twice trying to sit down to pee).

Complimentary Vagina Soap

Complimentary Vagina Soap

In case you are too drunk to read the note, they've provided a nice illustration to teach you how to discard paper, missiles, and some sort of brick.

In case you are too drunk to read the note, they’ve provided a nice illustration to teach you how to discard paper, missiles, and some sort of brick.

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