What Is It Like To Be Married To An American? Blogging Debauchery: Collective Post From Some Of Italy’s Expat Bloggers

If you’re new here I’ll explain our little collect post thing that we have going on every other week. A few of us expat bloggers in Italy get together and think of a topic, then on the same day at the same time we all post about said topic on our own blogs. We started it as a fun way to give many different perspectives on one subject. This week we went a little crazy and decided that we’d go ahead and let our partners write about us. As with many expats, our parters are either Italian or of another nationality living in Italy so we thought it would be interesting. Most of them have put up with our public talk for a while now and we thought it only fair to give them the chance to tell their story. We asked them, “What’s It Like To Be With A Foreign Person?” or in my case, “What’s it like to be an Italian man married to an American woman? And why can’t she have a capybara?” I let my husband, Francesco give it a go. He’ll totally be sleeping on the couch for a few weeks until his mother comes to rescue him but otherwise the list is pretty funny. 😉 Here’s my husband!

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Francesco Rossi is married to blogger/writer M. Elizabeth Evans. He has an M.S. in electrical engineering and works for a luxury company that designs and manufactures audio systems. He’s a nerd. He speaks four languages fluently, is incredibly cute, and M.E. is kind of obsessed with him in a creepy way, even if she makes fun of him for a profession (he also clearly made M.E. write his bio, sooo…). F is obviously a unique Italian guy to enjoy his life with his weirdo wife. He also enjoys long walks on the beach, braiding his majestic chest hair and the color peach.

Francesco and M.E.

I had a difficult time writing this list because in my opinion my wife isn’t very stereotypically American but that would be another list about how strange she is (in person even more weird than the blog, I promise you that). So, I’m not sure if the things that she does are “American” or just things that are her because she’s weird. So here is my list of what it is like to be married to an American, and also to M.E. specifically.

1) Her coffee is gross. That thing she drinks in the morning is not coffee it’s “acqua sporca”, dirty water. I’ve tried to explain to her the importance of having a real coffee, what she pronounces “espreso”, but she doesn’t seem to get it. Her biggest thing about American coffee is that it’s a social drink, something that people do to hang out. Really? Who has time for that in the US?! In the states, 90% of people take their coffee to go and the other ones that sit in a coffee shop are working. What is social about that? Coffee in the US it’s a torture. In Italy we drink the coffee standing at the bar, most of the time because there is no reason to stay inside when you have the most beautiful things to see outside;) When we sit down, we enjoy our coffee even if it doesn’t last that long. Plus, it tastes better!

2)  We disagree about a few things. For example, in my opinion, pasta and bread are good for you, air conditioning can make you sick, wine doesn’t make you fat and soccer games are not boring! But, she’s obsessed with salmonella. Everything gives you salmonella death.

3) My wife is not the best nurse. She has this attitude like being sick is for a wuss. She tells me, “Buck up,” which I don’t even know what that means. Once I woke up feeling horribly sick. Everything was hurting: My throat, my head, my muscles and my nose was running. I was almost dying, I swear. I look over the door and there she is, my nurse! She will take care of me, she will make a nice hot soup for me, she will stay next to me and cure my wounds. She’s my wife!

F: Babe, I am so sick!

ME: EW, yeah you look like shit!

F: Will you take care of me?

ME: Yeah! Sure!

She left the room and I was feeling so happy and comfortable until she returned back storming in the room after a few minutes.

ME: I googled your symptoms, you are not dying, you are just being dramatic! Here’s Ibuprofen (she gives me ibuprofen for everything)! Take it and feel better. I got shit to do, see you later this evening!”

F: You and google suck as a nurse! If I am dying I will know for sure who not to call.

ME: Whatever dude…love you! Ciao!”

4) She’s OBSESSED with Google. Google is her best friend. I ask a question sometimes just to start a conversation. I’ll barely finish asking the question and ME already gives me the answer from fucking Google! I hate Google! I can’t even lie about stuff anymore! This is bullshit! Oh! And nothing makes her more mad than when I call to ask someone a question. She say, “Just GOOGLE IT YOU FREAK.” Who is the freak?

5) Needs efficiency or dies. It’s very difficult living in Italy if you don’t accept the fact that things are not going to be like the States or other countries. In Italy things work differently. This doesn’t mean that it’s better or worse, just different. The fastest you adjust, the less pain. Unfortunately, I believe, there are some things that are particularly difficult to accept like how public offices work for example, especially if you come from a country where efficiency is a big deal. Going to the post office or anywhere that requires patience with ME is a torture. She freaks out. Whining until she gets angry and starts with her rant about Italian inability to be efficient bla bla bla. She has no patience. None. Everything has to be done very fast or she wants to get behind the counter and tell everyone how to do the work.

6) She cannot relax. ME has to always being doing stuff. ALWAYS. It doesn’t matter what it is, even if she goes to the coffee shop to sit and chat she is happy with it. She can’t just sit home calmly.

7) There is always “a project.” I lose my mind if I count the amount of things that ME does at the same time: having a company, writing, painting, working with 2 other companies…OMG! And she Is always involved in several different projects. It drives me crazy because I lose track of shit! If she isn’t able to do her work she dies.

8) She’s kind of like having a guy friend. ME can fix cars. Maybe it’s very common in the States that they teach girl to do stuff like this. I like it! Have you ever seen these 90’s commercials where the was the dude with a dirty white beater all sweaty trying to fix a car? Well I get to see that with my hot chick, and believe me…it’s interesting 😉

9) There are lots of options in life. She is always telling people to do whatever they want. She tells my friends to follow their dreams and her advice is always, “get a different degree.” She has more than one so I think in her mind the world is simple. You love something? Do it. Just change everything!

10) She is a pain in my ass and does not back down. You know when babies ask a question and then a question and then a question and then another one until they are out of breath? She does that! It’s frustrating especially if you are trying to hide something (like gifts). Impossible.But I love her and she Is the best. I won’t get her a capybara though (so seriously give up). We agreed on a D&G dress when her book comes out. Or an elephant sanctuary donation. She changes her mind a lot.

11) She cannot handle to be uncomfortable. She Italy a third world country because we don’t use our heat so much in the winter. She walks around the house in a coat and hat talking about how she knows exactly what the depression must have felt like for people.

12) She hates traditional wife things. My parents used to worry so much because she doesn’t rush to do everything for me. She doesn’t iron my shirts or nag me to clean my shoes. Once my father told her that she needed to learn how to act “like a woman.” I thought she might kill him. She doesn’t like to cook or clean. She made all of the women in my family start to yell at their husband’s once because I have to help but the other men weren’t helping. She also thinks that anytime I ask her something I’m trying to turn her into a slave. My mother bought her an apron once for Christmas and it’s just a gift but she almost died.

13) She went to finishing school like in a movie. Weird. Usually it’s impossible to tell but sometimes you can see it when she eats or something. She’s a freak.

14) No “emotions.” When we first started dating I thought for sure that she didn’t like me. She kept all of her feelings to herself and was very distant. She also wasn’t jealous and I thought for sure that meant she didn’t care.

15) She is terrible at small-talk and hates to be superficial. Many, many times she simply stays quiet if she can’t talk about a subject she likes. Integrity is much more important than what people think of her. This is good but sometimes it’s very difficult especially in small villages.

16) Cannot concentrate in stores. She’s like a zombie. I think this is because she has a little ADD.

17. Doesn’t depend on family. She tries to do everything herself and without family. She hates to ask her family for things, even her own parents and sisters! They care for each other very much but do not like to ask for assistance. She asks her friends before family almost always. This concept is very strange for me because for me family will do anything for each other. And money. She has a very individual idea of money. She says, “your money,” and, “my money,” and for me it’s crazy. There is only one family, one money, all together. She’s very giving, too much sometimes, but still has a concept that family is not to support each other.

18. She’s not private at all. If something happens I have to say, “don’t put this in a public place,” because if I don’t there will be thousands of people reading it that week. She loves to document things and share them. Even in person she’s always open about everything. Sometimes too much and I want to kill her. But it’s also something I like about her, too.

MY PARTNERS IN CRIME: CHECK OUT WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY ON THE SAME SUBJECT: