Where I’ve Been When I’m Not Here

Hey everyone! It’s been a minute and I miss you guys. I’ve been gone partly because I’ve been crazy and struggling with some anxiety and depression but ALSO because I totally finished my book! YEE-HAW!

Now, I’m moving on to making a cookbook with Francesco that will be super fun and awesome. And starting another photography/art book about Italy. FUN STUFF (just need to get this anxiety under control, STAT).

WHAT’S GOING ON IN ITALY RIGHT NOW

Italy: Clashes at anti-government March in Florence: Things got a little out of control in Florence recently during a protest. Renzi has proposed a referendum that will reduce regional power. He says it will streamline parliament, his critics say that it will concentrate too much power federally. Police threw tear gas, Italians threw fire-crackers. One cop was “hurt in the leg.” And as much as I’m sad that anyone was hurt, or that the protest became violent in any way, I sure wish we could learn something from the Italians over here in ‘Merca. If we threw firecrackers at police officers during a protest, I imagine much worse things would happen. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-37886766

REVIEW: Elena Ferrante’s New Book: Frantumaglia: Alright, you guys might hate me but I don’t LOVE Elena Ferrante’s work. Sigh. I KNOW. Everyone loves her except for me and one of my best friends who discovered her together in a book club. Her writing is fantastic, but I have a hard time with her characters who are often really extreme female stereotypes, the insecure, self-loathing and petty stereotype or the martyr stereotype. However, that being said, her writing is beautiful and her books are based in the area that Francesco grew up. Reading her work is a great way to pull something about the culture of the place.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maria-laurino/review-elena-ferrantes-ne_b_12775280.html?utm_hp_ref=italy

Two Former Nuns Celebrate Their Love For Each Other In Italy: Two nuns recently left their convent to marry each other in Italy. All I have to say about this is, “awe.” It’s incredibly courageous, especially given their faith. It must have been very hard for these women to openly do what they’re doing. Love is love is love is love. And? I always wondered about nuns… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/former-nuns-marriage-italy_us_57ed31e2e4b082aad9b999cf?utm_hp_ref=italy

What’s new with you guys? Are you excited/terrified for the upcoming election on Tuesday?

Miss Italy Wants To Relive WWII

It’s not every day that your husband sends you an article that makes you question whether or not humans should be wiped from the face of the planet. It’s mostly every other day, and especially a few days ago when I read about Alice Sabatini, otherwise known as Miss Italia 2015. I’m worried, guys, that our species is beyond fixing. Sure, we’ve poisoned the planet, destroyed our own ecosystem, and are currently experiencing mass extinction only ever seen before during DINOSAUR TIMES, but I like to think, to hope, that if enough really good people breed (and the assholes stop) we can turn things around.

Now, I’m no so sure. We might be totally doomed, guys.

20/09/2015 Jesolo - Concorso di bellezza Miss Italia - Alice Sabatini Miss Italia 2015

20/09/2015 Jesolo – Concorso di bellezza Miss Italia – Alice Sabatini Miss Italia 2015 (www.agi.it)

If you haven’t heard about Miss WWII, well, you’re in for a real treat. Here’s the story, according to The Chronicle,

“”A Miss Italy contestant has faced ridicule after telling judges she would like to experience World War Two.

When asked which historical period she would most like to live in, 18-year-old Alice Sabatini paused for a moment before replying “1942” – one of the darkest years in Italian history under the Mussolini dictatorship.

Likely a little baffled, a woman on the beauty contest judging panel asked: “1942? During World War Two?”

Sabatini confirmed her choice and said she had read a lot about the period.

“Well… to see really what the Second World War was like, since the books talk about it for page after page. I want to live it.

“In any case I am a woman so I wouldn’t have had to do military service, so I would have been at home with the fear of…” she said, trailing off with a light laugh.””

She wanted to live during WWII guys, cause, ya know, Hitler, Mussolini, assholes galore, why the fuck not? Plus, she has a vagina, so all she’d have to do is, ya know, sit home hungry (food wasn’t exactly plentiful during the war) and wait for her brothers, husband, and childhood friends to be shipped home in body bags. Yay!

English: The image is a depiction of Benito Mu...

English: The image is a depiction of Benito Mussolini from 1917 when he was a soldier of World War I Italiano: Benito Mussolini nel 1917 durante la Prima guerra mondiale (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And here’s what people on Twitter are saying in response to this eighteen-year-old super genius. It’s pretty damn hilarious, I highly suggest all of you to #MissItalia right this minute. It’s glorious.

 

And if you’re thinking that things couldn’t get any weirder with this pretty lady, later, when asked which Italian historical figure she admired she smiled, proudly, and giggled, “Michael Jordan.”

Clearly, Miss Italia chosen for her amazing intellect and not at all for her impressive brazillian bikini wax. Sigh. Universe, please help us.

Thoughts?

Italy On The Internet

The internet is buzzing about Italy these days. Vintage photos, singing nuns, economic crisis, the pope, aaah Italy. I’ve gathered some of my favorite Italian news from the internet so I can share it with all of you.

This Singing Nun Makes That One Dude Cry And Shocks Everyone Else

These Vintage Snapshots Of Italy From Charles H. Traub

 The Evolution Of Pizza In This YouTube Video 

Photos Of The Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital In Tuscany 

Pope Addresses The Mafia And Asks Them To Stop Doing Evil 

(Unlike religious institutions who historically only do good).

Singing Nun On The Voice

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It’s My Birthday! Here Is My Gift To You Guys!- OR- We All Hate Change So Please Don’t Hate Me For Giving The Blog A Total Overhaul (At 4 a.m. this morning).

I was up until four a.m. last night making changes to this blog. I wanted it to be more reader-friendly for all of you. I hope that I succeeded in doing that. It should be easier to navigate now and by the end of the week you should be able to easily find a plethora of information on moving, studying, or visiting Italy.  I’m currently watching endless CSS videos on YouTube to figure out how to KILL THE PINK BUBBLES AT THE TOP OF THIS PAGE. If you have any suggestions I would be so stoked to hear them. The new header was my husband’s idea. This is kind of what my life looks like anyways so it’s not far-fetched. The only thing that could make it more realistic is if Oliver was peeing on a child in the background (yes, he does that.) or if I crashed the bike into a curb and tumble down the street (this happens frequently). I know everything is new but I hope in a few days you’ll get used to it and you’ll love it. Tell me what you want to see or read and I’ll work it in to the new design. If you want you can pass the blog along to your friends. Tanti Baci and all that.

And watch This While Your Eyes Adjust To All Of The Newness. This Video Is Awesome Because It’s So True

(total validation that I’m not that crazy)

Random Stuff I Found When I was Bored: Entertaining Things From Across The Globe

“Struggle is proof that you haven’t been conquered, that you refuse to surrender, that victory is still possible, and that you’re growing.” -Walden

Dolphin Dog: Adorable dog named Grizzly who swims with Dolphins on the reg. If you’re having a shitty day this will surely cheer you up.

Woman from Milan Who Offers Her Virgin Ass As A Reward For Someone Who Finds Her Lost Cat. “My grandma gave me that cat,” she says in the ad. I’m sure the ad is totally granny approved. If granny was a prostitute.

Amazing Photo of Nude Mother and Her Two Daughters. Say what you will, but I love it. My conservative husband (that’s right F, CONSERVATIVE!) shit himself and was all, “Oh MY GOD! Why are they all naked!?” But I think the photo is amazing and you will too if you don’t suck.

For Laughs: Great Pinterest Board Full Of Funny Stuff. I wish I would have made up some of this stuff.

I Shouldn’t Be Allowed Around People Or Google.

Every once in a while my in-laws come from Cassino to Florence to visit us and stay at our apartment for the weekend. This past weekend they came on Saturday and left on Sunday, a short visit, and I have to admit a pleasant visit (for those of you who read M.E. regularly, you’re totally shitting your pants right now. I know.). Usually when they visit I find myself crying hysterically in the bathroom or I spend hours thinking of interesting ways to murder my husband. This time I decided something that I should have decided a long time ago: I do not give a flying fuck. I made my husband clean and prepare the apartment for them, I refused to be bothered or stressed because Misty is tired. When they arrived I said hello and was  polite, but I did minimum hosting which means I only handed out water and made sure my dog didn’t bother anyone t0o much. Everyone was fine and it was mostly not weird until someone had to go and ruin it for everyone.

We were all gathered in the living-room, my in-laws, F and I, drinking coffee when the attention turned to Oliver who was being his usual-self, attacking and enthusiastically humping Mr. Oinky his new stuffed pig, in his bed. Then, as though he was trying to make me look bad, he stopped, panted, lifted his leg and PISSED  on Mr. Oinky. Right on his head like he was all, “take that bitch” after a disappointing exchange. After all my work with this dog I’d still managed  to raise a canine version of R Kelly. Everyone exchanged uncomfortable glances and I leapt up to express clean while I explained that he had never done that before (which is entirely true) but it was too late. Obviously, I had a raised a freak and there was no getting around it.

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Later that evening we were invited to dinner at a friend of the family’s house who also lives in Florence. I realized a few things. The first thing being that I love how people do table spreads here. I mean, the entire table is literally overflowing with food. The second thing is that now that I’m married everyone is really interested in my vagina and concerned with how much action she’s potentially getting.

My in-laws, my brother and sister-in-law and the hosting couple, almost at the same time, leaned in and started asking questions. When are you guys going to have a baby? When? WHEN!?? Someone demanded that we have more sex. Have sex every day! Everyone seemed so excited about us having sex that I was kind of waiting for it to be suggested that we make a baby on the dinner table. No really, do it now. NOW. NOW!

I said, “well make one when we can afford it unless you know of a way to make it live off of air. Also, babies pee inside of you. THEY PEE INSIDE OF YOU! Speaking of pee, I should not be a mother. Did I tell you all what Oliver did to his stuffed animal today? Really, you don’t want me to reproduce.” And I think they all agreed so maybe the thing with Oliver was a blessing in disguise. It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want kids now. Or soon.

(And  I might reconsider doing it ever after reading this article on fetal masturbation. Seriously? Why babies? Also, I would like to know what the church thinks of this. Kind of puts a damper on the no touchy-touchy argument, doesn’t it?)

The sex talk faded away and I was able to focus more on eating and wine. I had Oliver chained under my chair with his Kong so he couldn’t freak anyone else out. The more I drink the less I can speak Italian, or English, so at some point I was just staring at everyone. I don’t know about any of you guys but bored is bad for me. Usually my imagination kicks in and it’s all downhill from there.

Lara, our nine month old niece was sitting on my mother-in-laws lap, poking her with little bread sticks that are about the width of a pretzal but longer. Then she started feeding my mother-in-law the bread-pretzal. And I leaned over to F and was all, “I want to feed your mom a breadstick !” And F was all, “DO NOT DO THAT.” I tried to stop myself but she was sitting next to me so at some  point I was waving one in front of her face making an airplane noise and then trying to poke it into her mouth. She wouldn’t eat it. Unaware of how to repair the awkward thing I’d already done, I bonked her on the head with it instead and said, “dooopidooopidooo.” Francesco was horrified. She shot me a mean look and somehow I felt an odd sense of satisfaction that is really inexplainable.

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On Sunday everyone returned to Cassino. The weather was shit in Florence so F and I decided to stay home and  watch Underworld because, you know, werewolves and vampires!

F: What if I was a Lycan and you were a vampire?

ME: Clearly, we’d get married and have a half-breed baby. I don’t see the issue.

F: What would your Vampire name be?

ME: Something gothic and ridiculous like Seraphyn.

F: What would my name be?

ME: PUPPY!

F: My name would NOT BE PUPPY! It would be Rocko!

ME: No. Your name would be puppy. That’s a good name!

F: I hate you. [Gets up and adjusts sound]

ME: Good puppy! [pat, pat, pat].

F: UUUUGH!