Conversations That Seem Normal But Probably Aren’t

A week before valentines day F and I were having coffee when he turned to me and said:

F: I don’t want to do anything for valentine’s day this year. It’s stupid.

Me: That’s pretty romantic.

F: Well it’s stupid.

Me: I know. It IS a fake holiday. That’s pretty true. However, it’s also a nice reminder.

F: Of?

Me: That you have to do stuff sometimes. You know, a woman’s vagina puts the same amount of effort into their relationship as their partners do. It’s an excellent reminder that you have to do things once in a while to keep my vagina engaged in our marriage.

F: Right. Noted.

Me: But I totally agree that valentine’s day is stupid. Wait, what’s that vagina? My vagina just told me that she doesn’t want to do anything for v-day either. It’s amazing that you’re both on the same page. Everyone wins!

F: Could we just have one normal conversation?

Me: Are you talking to me or my vagina?

F: Sigh.

——————————————-

Most of you know that right now we’re moving between Italy and the US (you can watch my American life on DirtyFilthyThings, warning, it’s more sweary and graphic) because I’m working on a book etc. We’re looking for a temporary house to rent in Arizona and F found one with a garden and chickens. Built in chickens. Which reminds him of his childhood and murdering chickens with his grandma who I’m pretty sure was a witch.

F: Dis has CHICKENS!

Me: Cool. I’m not living there.

F: WHAT!? WHY!? I make the garden and have the chickens!

Me: I don’t trust you around farm animals. I’ll get attached to them and then I’ll worry constantly that you’ll eat them.

F: How will you get attached to chickens?

Me: Because I’ll name them and then build them a pool because AZ is hot and pretty soon they’ll have a convertible and I’ll be like GO PAULA ABDUL GO!

F: What the fuck does this have to do with Paula Abdul the singer?

Me: Paula Abdul is the name of the two chickens. Paula & Abdul. Paula Abdul. They will be divas. I shall love them.

F: Why does everything have to be WEIRD? Can’t we just have chickens like normal people?

Me: Yeah, because normal people own chickens and normal people force their five year old grandchildren to murder them. That’s why normal people are so well adjusted and marry people like me.

F: Good point.

Me: So, about Paula Abdul, I feel like they’ll need a guardian or something…

F: NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

—————————–

My husband yells at me a lot for being “annoying” with customer service people. I argue that people sitting at a computer all day dealing with angry customers are probably BORED and they probably just want to just hang out and talk about unicorns. So I’m helping to increase their quality of life because I’m NOT AN ASSHOLE, FRANCESCO.

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Conversations With M.E.: Because Communication Is The Cornerstone Of A Healthy Relationship

Since I have more weird conversations in any given day than any healthy person should have in a year I’m going to start posting these regularly. These are just for fun, they were not serious conversations, and nobody has been injured or de-vaginalized (totally coined this awesome new word) as a result.

1.

Me: You’re forty minutes late for dinner.

F: Yeah, I know. I suck! I’m sorry.

Me: Hmm.

F: Seriously. I am sorry dat you had to await me forty minutes.

Me: Is that why you were late?

F: Why?

Me: Because you had to time travel back to nineteen-century England to bring back an outdated word to use in your lame apology.

F: You’re an asshole.

Me: Tis’ true.

F: Sigh.

2.

Mother-In-Law: Do you like having F home everyday now that he is working from home?

Me: Yeah. It’s nice. When he’s annoying Ho Scopato a casa di un mio amico*.

Mother-In-Law: What?

Me: Ho Scopato a casa di un mio amico.

Mother-In-Law: [turning to my husband] What?

Me: OH SHIT! NO! NO! NO! I meant SONO SCAPPATA A CASA DI UN MIO AMICO!* SONO SCAPPATA! Damnit!

Mother-In-Law: Are you ever going to learn Italian?

F: It’s more funny this way.

*ho scopato a casa di un mio amico=I fucked at my (male) friend’s house.

*sono scappata a casa di un mio amico=I escaped to my (male) friend’s house

3.

Me: I think I figured out why I’m so nervous that Oliver is going to die.

F: Oh?

Me: Yeah, because every dog I’ve ever loved has died.

F: You don’t need to worry about it.

Me: Yeah I know…

F: Because he’s going to die eventually for sure. I mean, EVERYONE DIES. So don’t even tink about it. Just know that everyone around you will die.

Me: Wow. I almost thought you were going to say something consoling.

F: It’s kinda of funny when you tink about it.

Me: Your mental instability?

F: No. Dat you tought I was going to say-a some-a ting consoling.

Me: Touchè

4.

F: I like kissing you. Your skin is so soft.

Me. Yeah. Yours is, hairy. What would happen if your hair suddenly started to grow inward and it invaded your brain?

F: I don’t-a know.

Me. And you had to hire a brain surgeon to give you a haircut.

F: Let’s not talk anymore, okay?

Me. Okay. Goodnight.

5.

F: I’m going out with my friends for a drink tonight? Okay?

Me: Cool. Have fun. Without me.

F: Obviously you’re always invited.

Me: No, no, I have to work on my book. I have to write an entire chapter about rejection. And you. And rejection.

F: Do you want to come?

Me: I thought you’d never ask, but you know what? I’d rather not. In all seriousness I do have to work on my book.

F: And you made this big ting because?

Me: Guilt is funny?

6.

Me: So you came home really late last night.

F: Yeah.

Me: Which is fine. As long as you didn’t sleep with anyone.

F: Why would I do that?

Me: You have a penis. But just try to be altruistic.

F: I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you?

Me: No, no, not for ME. I meant for whatever girl. Because, I will cut out her vagina and then send it to you in a box. A box in a box, that’s actually kind of funny. Anyways, logistically, I don’t even know how one would go about removing someone’s vagina so imagine the experimental chopping that would go into my vindictiveness. Seriously, poor girl. That’s someone’s daughter Francesco. That’s someone’s daughter.

F: Ah, that’s why I love you.

Me: You’re sick.

7.

Me: So, I got another email asking how I am able to be married to an Italian because they cheat.

F: Yeah?

Me: Mhmm, and I started thinking of what would happen if we moved to the US. American girls love an accent, and quiet guys and you basically hate talking and you’re kind of adorable. Women will be dripping from you. But that’s okay because I think I have a solution.

F: Kill everyone?

Me: No! Actually, I think I’ll just start telling everyone that you have an array of STD’s. Like, ALL of the

Sexually transmitted disease

Sexually transmitted disease (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

incurable ones.

F: Dat doesn’t make-a sense because you are married to me.

Me: Right. But I mean, that’s fine. I hate dudes anyways and I don’t really want anyone near “her” anyways. Especially in her condition. I mean, you cannot believe the things going on down there,
what with all those infections and everything.

F: That is disgusting.

Me: Right? How could you do that to me, to her, to us?

F: Please stop talking.

Me: We trusted you.

F: I don’t want to leave the apartment ever again.

Me: And why would you when we can stay inside and exchange virus’?

F: UUUGH!

8.

Me: The guy that plays Bill from True Blood IS BRITISH.

F: Yeah. It’s weird.

Me: And Alexander Skarsgard is Swedish.

English: Alexander Skarsgard at Tribeca Film F...

English: Alexander Skarsgard at Tribeca Film Festival 2010 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

F: True.

Me: I was just thinking of how cool it would be to be married to a European.

F: [blink, blink, blink]

Me: Oh, wow! Yeah. I’m pretty far gone.

F: Sigh.

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InterNations Is Helping M.E. Import You To Italy: Preparing for Your Move to Italy

This week I have an awesome guest blogger, a massive expat organization, InterNations. Yes, It’s happened, I’m getting fancy enough to have contributing writers and people wanting to advertise on my blog (What?! Fuck Yes!) The world is drunk, my friends. Here is a great article from InterNations, THE expat organization in Europe. If you’re moving here or you want to, I highly recommend signing up on their website. When you finally start to go crazy from living abroad (it happens to the best of us) they’ll provide helpful info, and other insane expats (like me) that can make the shitty moments a little less shitty and a lot more awesome.

Map Of Italy Brought To You By Google.

Map Of Italy Brought To You By Google.

Preparing for Your Move to Italy by InterNations

Have you been thinking of making the move to Italy? What do you need to know before you get on that plane? If possible, try to visit Italy as a tourist before moving there and gain a better understanding of life in Italy. You can experience the character of different cities, and maybe even find a job. Italians often prefer to do things face to face, which can make job-hunting difficult from overseas.

The next step is to decide where you want to live in Italy. Most expats will probably make this choice based on the job they find. The biggest expat hotspots in Italy are Rome, Milan and Florence. As Italy’s economy is much stronger in the north compared to the poorer south, you will most likely be relocating here. Not all expats live in Italy’s big cities, however. Some prefer life in the countryside, which opens up options like opening your own B&B.

Once you have found a job and decided where to live, you need to apply for a visa. EU citizens, as well as nationals of Norway, Iceland, Liechtenstein, San Marino, Switzerland and the Vatican City, don’t need a visa to enter the country or live in Italy. Citizens from many other countries don’t need a visa to enter Italy for tourist purposes, but do if they are planning on taking up employment there. In this case, you will need to apply for a long-stay or “national” visa in person at your nearest consulate or embassy before relocating to Italy.

If possible, you should try to figure out your accommodation before arriving in Italy. A high proportion of Italians rent rather than buy, so especially if your expat assignment will only last a couple of years, this is probably the best option for you as well. Keep in mind that the rent in Rome and Milan ranks among the highest in Europe.

Another option is to live in a more rural town outside of the city. Whether or not this is a feasible option will depend largely on where you will be working in Italy and how long your commute would be. Public transportation in Italy is fairly good, and as gas prices are high and driving is chaotic, this may be a better choice than commuting to work by car.

Another big part of getting ready for the international life is learning the language. Italians are very proud of their country and language, and will appreciate any effort you make to speak their language. In addition, not speaking Italian will limit your job opportunities in Italy.

If you’re moving to Italy with kids, you should decide which school you want to send them to. Especially if your children do not speak Italian, it is probably best to send them to an international school. There are many such schools catering to expat children in Rome and Milan, as well as other cities. These schools are usually quite expensive, though, so unless your employer is helping with the costs, you may need to shop around a bit. Many of the international schools offer an International Baccalaureate diploma, which will make it easier for your children to attend a university in another country after graduation.

InterNations is the largest expatriate network worldwide. It was created to help members meet other high-profile expatriates from around the world living in their city and connect with them, both online and offline through events and activities. InterNations was founded in 2007 and now has over 900,000 members in more than 360 Local Communities around the world.

10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married Me

1.

“I’m an airplane, brrrrrrr, I’m an airplane, brrrrr! I want to be a pigeon so I can shit on people!”-I don’t remember this but apparently it happened after a little too much mojito last week.

2.

F: Misty, WHY CAN YOU NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE!? WHY!?

ME: I was doing stuff.

F: What kind of stuff!?

ME: Not dying. You’re welcome.

F: Thank you? Wait. NO! Answer your fucking phone when I call!

3.

While dancing romantically in the kitchen:

ME: What would  you do if we were dancing then suddenly I looked up and I had a zombie face?

F: What?!

ME: And I started eating your face.

F: What!? Why!?

ME: Because I would be a zombie. Jesus. It’s like talking to a wall! I don’t even know why I try anymore!

F: Shakes head, walks away.

4.

After cuddling.

F: This is nice. I like laying next to you and…

ME: Holy shit! It looks like I’ve been mauled by a grizzly bear! LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR! Are you SHEDDING!?

F: Blink. Blink. Shakes head. Sighs.

5.

ME: Are you happy?

F: Yes. I love you. You make me very happy.

ME: Sigh.

F: Are you happy?

ME: Mostly.

F: Why, what’s wrong?

ME: I don’t have a Capybara.

F: Seriously? Are you going to bring this up every fucking day?

ME: Until you either buy me one or die. It’s really up to you how this goes down.

F: Why did I do this to myself?

ME: Why are you doing this to DWAYNE is the bigger question? I mean, he’s a giant cuddly rodent! What did he ever do to you?

6.

ME: So you know how you’ve always wanted to live on a farm but I don’t because I’m not inbred?

F: Uhm, yes? I guess. Where is this going?

ME: I’ve decided we can buy a farm. We can have whatever animals you want and then on the other side I can have a pool with a Capy

F: No.

ME: THE FUCK!?

F: No. So…give up already.

ME: It’s not even for ME! It’s for YOU. Oliver could finally have a friend and he’d stop being annoying and you’d be less stressed out! And we could swim together in the pool so you won’t have to worry about me drowning!

F: No.

ME: We’re not friends. And Dwayne thinks you’re a dick.

F: No.

ME: FINE!

7.

ME: If I had both a penis AND a vagina would you still date me?

F: If you were a hermaphrodite?

ME: Yes. Exactly. If I told you on the first date that I had BOTH would you still date me? I was thinking about the lady-boys and wondering how that all goes down during the “big reveal.”

F: Yeah, I think I would have still dated you.

ME: Yeah? Cool. Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite. She’s pretty hot.

F: Would you date me if I was one?

ME: Ew. No way! If you had a Man-gina? Nope. Too confusing. Too much terminology and I’m lazy.

F: That’s not very nice.

ME: My love has boundaries.

8.

F: You’re not allowed to swim in the ocean without supervision.

ME: I’M AN ADULT FRANCESCO!

F: Yeah, an adult who nearly just died in three feet of water.

ME: I’ve never been in a big wave before! I’m afraid of the water! SHARKS!

F: Fine, then don’t go in. When I say, “jump” I don’t mean, “head butt the wave.” Seriously, what is wrong with you?

ME: What else am I supposed to do when I’m violently attacked by water?

F: Jump above it like a normal person.

ME: Oh. Okay, from now on…

F: No. No more. You can stay by the pool.

ME: You know what? You should probably talk to someone about your controlling personality. You shouldn’t try to make your issues my issues. And you shouldn’t expect me to know everything that there is to know about violent water. I grew up in UTAH in the DESERT.

F: Which is exactly why it’s safer for you to stay by the pool.

ME: Dwayne would let me…

English: Photo of a Capybara, formatted (and s...

“LET HER HAVE ME FRANCESCO!” –DWAYNE. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9.

ME: Oliver learned how to “finish” with his teddy bear.

F: What do you mean by “finish?”

ME: You know. When a boy dog becomes a man dog. He’s a man dog now. And a gross one at that.

F: Are you saying that he…? THAT IS DISGUSTING!

ME: I know! I saw the whole thing!

F: And you didn’t STOP HIM?

ME: What would you like me to do? Take his girlfriend away in the middle of all that heated passion? No. That seemed invasive.

F: So what did you do instead?

ME: I watched and tried to film it but I couldn’t get the camera working. Also, he fainted after. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever…

F: Stop talking.

ME: You’re mad at me!? Listen, I don’t want to be some weird sex person who gets involved in my dogs sex life. It’s none of my business!

F: Stop talking. I’m not mad I’m traumatized and trying to figure out how to dispose of the teddy bear without touching it.

ME: I don’t think that’s very nice.

F: Also, what is that on the floor?

Me: Uhm…

F: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING. WHY DID YOU LET HIM FINISH!?

ME: Well, we both agree that it’s disgusting. Finally. We agree on something. And for the record I didn’t KNOW HE COULD REALLY FINISH!

F: Where do puppies come from?

ME: You know what, this is a conversation you should have had with your parents. It’s not my responsibility to educate you on procreation.

F: Just find a bucket and bleach and stop talking.

10.

F: Did you do anything today?

ME: Work.

F: What kind of work?

ME: My JOB.

F: And?

ME: And nothing.

F: AND?

ME: And I watched maybe a few shark attack videos.

F: Misty, seriously, HOW MANY did you watch? Like ALL of YouTube is highlighted!?

ME: It was for work.

F: You were writing about shark attacks?

ME: No. But LIVING is a job. And I had to research how to NOT DIE.

F: I don’t even know what to say to that.

ME: Just feel safe knowing I won’t be eaten.